Thursday, April 10

Professor Jackson: And the dartos muscle functions to contract the skin of the scrotum... or, for those of you less elegant, the "raisin bag."
(Entire class bursts into laughter)
Professor Jackson: Oh, come on! You know you were thinkin' it!
-Reproductive Systems lecture tackles common knowledge
Brandon University

Cari: I just wanna yell RETARD FIGHT!
Alisha: No! That is not okay! She's not a retard, she just has a straight leg.
-While watching an argument (Still a retard?)
Buena Vista University

"I just remembered how to spell 'diffused'... I'll admit, I had too much scotch over the weekend."
-Professor H, finally the truth comes out
Southern Methodist University

Waitress : Hey, didn't I already tell you to leave? You can't come back in here!
Alex: (incoherent mumbling)
Waitress: Because you peed on the floor, that's why! You peed on the floor and now I have to clean it up! You need to leave.
Alex: Hey. Hey, can I get your number?
Waitress: No.
-Alex, giving it one last effort in a drunken stupor
University of California, Santa Cruz

Joel: Dude, Look at how busted this girl is...
Mike: Holy shit. It's like Chunk from the Goonies banged a "Normal" and she’s what happened.
Nicole: No, Chunk is the hilarious fat kid. Sloth is the deformed one. Get your movie trivia straight!
Mike: Thank you. I appreciate your dedication to continued quality in this ridiculous conversation.
-Quality Assurance at work
Drexel University

Boss: You're late to work, what happened?
Blair: Hobos. You know how it is.
-Blair then sat down as if that was an explanation

Dad: If you get locked out of the hotel room, just go to the front desk and they'll make you a new key.
Danny: Get one to Mom and Dad's room.
Dad: You might want to be careful if you do that...
Molly and Danny: Umm.... uhh....
-Things you don't want to hear from your parents
Seattle University

"I think we should start sacrificing virgins to the gods again...that way girls would be more inclined to put out."
-Graham, on getting laid easier
University of Manitoba

Tuesday, April 8

Ian: What if AIDS was like playing hot potato? If you caught it and banged someone else you passed it on, and you were safe. But if you had it when time ran out you were done...
Jeff: You'd have to hope your girlfriend really sucked.
-Ian and Jeff, booking their tickets to hell
University of Manitoba

"There is not enough alcohol in the world, prescription medication in all the pharmacies, mind altering plants, herbs, 'natural substances' in Africa that would ever make me like legal drafting. I hate this class with all the passion of a 6,000 page Danielle Steel novel. I have never encountered such rage as the kind that I feel thinking of all the blood, sweat and tears that I have devoted to this 2 CREDIT CLASS."
-Simone, on the realization of how much one class can affect a person's health
University of Florida

Colin: Now Molly, what would happen if a cop drove past right now and saw you dancing on a wall?
Molly: I'LL GET ARRESTED!! (gives two thumbs up)
-On planning for your future
University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh

DubD: What's the saying with the rug?
Nikki: Carpet muncher?
DubD: NO!
Nikki: Tearing up the rug?
DubD: NOO!
Nikki: Rug burn?
DubD: Goddamn it, I'm never asking you again! ...It's cutting the rug just so you know.
-On your typical frustrating rug conversation

Molly: HEY, I MET YOU LAST NIGHT!
Random Guy: Oh yeah, you did.
Molly: So, how was your night? Smoke a little pot?
Random Guy: No, but I did do some acid.
-On knowing your limits
University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh

Karlie: You can always tell when Becky is drunk. The linguistics are the first to go.
Becky: Yup, the words, then the morals!
-She finishes talking, then you talk her into it
Central Michigan University

"While the cat's away the mice will play."
-Andy, discussing what happened when the douchebag roommate left for the weekend
University of Minnesota Duluth

Monday, April 7

"The more things change, the more they stay the same. That's why I drink Keystone. Keystone Lite, always smooth."
-Adam, apparently advertising for Keystone now
University of Minnesota Duluth

Adam: Dude, what's the sex really like with her?
Raffi: Short...not even 15 seconds.
-On amazing sex
Indiana University

Mundo: Hey Danny, does brain kill beer cells?
Danny: Apparently.
Mundo: Wait, what?
-At the bar before chugging his beer (mission accomplished)
El Camino College

"I don't know if a tank can do donuts...."
-Phong, pondering the pressing issues of warfare
University of Buffalo

Molly: I want to do a random act of kindness.
Leeny: Yeah, it felt good. But it felt even better thinking I might get some kind of recognition. …Which I didn’t.
-Altruism takes another hit
Seattle University

"Canadians are basically decaf Americans."
-Professor Green, on light neighbors
Seattle University

Damir: Professor Jurisch! I see you everywhere!
Professor Jurisch: Yeah, I'm everywhere like dog shit.
-Running into a professor in the hall
Rockford College

"Principles don't have to make sense, they just have to be rigidly followed!"
-John, defending his principles
Michigan State University