Friday, April 25

Levenson: This is my "get fucked" shirt.
Troy: Why, because when you walk up to girls they say "get fucked"?
-Before heading to the bar
Louisiana State University

Tanya: Say that again and I'll punch you.
Allie: You can try. I'm imaginary; you'll just end up looking stupid.
-It must be the allergy meds
Wagner College

W: So it was a spaghetti western set during the U.S. Civil War.
K: Wait...so it was filmed during the Civil War?
W: Oh god...
-Let that blonde hair show
University of California, Irvine

Professor Quittman: I worked as a shoe salesman for a year, six days a week. I was just barely able to afford an apartment. But I’ll tell ya, I hated that job so much I decided to take as many classes as possible so I wouldn’t have to work there anymore.
Molly: And now you’re here.
Professor Quittman: Are you implying that this isn’t a step up from being a shoe salesman?
Molly: No, but I am now.
-At least it's a more cushioned step up
Seattle University

Random Guy: Can I get some sex wax?
Rosie: Yeah, we don't sell that here.
Random Guy: Can I get some sex?
Rosie: Try again.
-Never a dull moment working at a skateshop
University of Southern California, Northridge

Professor H: And the fourth problem is...
Linds: What was the third problem?
Professor H: Who's counting? I can't remember...
-During a lecture on drugs
Southern Methodist University

"So I'm updating client lists right now and saw someone named Corey Bobby. My first thought was, 'The boy with two first names....' and then I thought, 'I wonder if he's single...' Then I thought, 'I hope he has a good email address. Name email addresses are nice, professional. But maybe he'll have something funny.' I looked over and his email is... brace yourself...gaspasr5@hotmail.com!! Ahahaha! So after seeing that, I thought, 'He's my soulmate. I love him.' Then I realized he's probably like...13."
-Molly, riding the desperate rollercoaster for affection
Seattle University

Wednesday, April 23

"Because I was just thinking whether or not you loved me and that answer lied within the taco."
-Anna, stoned
Regis University

Ehryk: Righteousize...is that a word?
Tony: No, it's not. Righteous and exorcise are though.
Ehryk: It should be.
Tony: What would the definition of "righteousize" be?
Ehryk: What would God do if Satan shit in his pool?
Tony: ...Righteousize him!
-Someone call Merriam-Webster
Northern Michigan University

Maddy: Claire, you are so wise when you're drunk.
Caitlin: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you ask if it was a good idea to go down basement stairs in a roller chair last night?
Claire: Yeah but I didn't...and that's what makes me wise.
-On the basis for good decision making
Regis University

"Oh Kiera Knightley...if only I could send you a sandwich."
-Sherry, the bitch who'll do it for her
Northern Michigan University

Random Girl (driving): Okay, sweetie, we're at your apartment, but how are you going to get inside if your purse was taken from the bar?
Courtney: I'm gonna break a window with my shoe and climb in!
Random Girl: Okay, sweetie, that sounds expensive and bloody. Where else can I take you?
-It sounded like a great idea at the time
West Virginia University

Linds: What the hell is that noise?
Philip: It sounds like a 4-month-old kitten being strangled. Whatever.
-On familiar noises
Southern Methodist University

"Stop throwing that around, you may give someone an accidental abortion!"
-Adam, telling Fernando to put stop throwing the coat hangar
Tufts University

Star: So, did you find it?
Matt: No. What?
Star: You said you’d call around!
Matt: Did I say call? I meant sleep.
Washington State University

Monday, April 21

GT: Does that get me a token to play again?
Linds: Baby, I'm like a slot machine. You just gotta push the right buttons.
-On sexual gambling
Southern Methodist University

Joe: What the hell is that?
Arthur: I want it to be beef.
-Never a good thing to hear when you're eating seaweed salad
Northwestern University School of Law

Katie: Hey we're home from the concert, wanna come over?
Aaron: I don't know...
Katie: Why not?
Aaron: 'Cause I got a girl...dressed up for Christmas...
Katie: What?
Aaron: I got you dressed up like...a Coke...
Katie: Alright honey, I'll talk to you later.
-Aaron, on sleep-talking self-cock-blocking
Old Dominion University

"I'm going to pass out the first test in this class. Regardless of what you've heard, a few people actually passed this class and graduated. If you want to pray, do it in your head. This is a state school!"
-Professor Thompson, on confusing pep talks
University of Illinois at Chicago

Emily: Did I tell you guys that I am going to be a cop?
Sarah: For Halloween?
-Emily, trying to be serious
University of Nebraska Lincoln

Lindsay: Roxy, you should have sex with him for the salsa recipe.
Roxy: I've had sex for a lot less.
-On the waiter at Carlos O'Kelly's
University of Nebraska Lincoln

Yuri: Look, tightening gel. You need some of that.
Ronnelle: I am tight. You are small.
-The truth comes out in the adult sex store
University of the West Indies