Friday, September 28

Katie: I want a bloody mary. But without any alcohol in it. What's that called again?
Sarah: A VIRGIN bloody mary. But you never were any good at the whole virginity thing, were you?
-To her very pregnant sister
University of Wisconsin, Stevens Point

Brandy: Well, one chick said "My biological clock is ticking!"
Jenn: Wait, what? As a great pick-up line, that's right up there next to "My vagina has teeth."
-Why The Bachelor chicks are kinda lame
California State University Long Beach

Dan: My life is in shambles!
Jess: Dan, it's the third week of the semester.
Dan: Well... I've had a good run then.
-On quantity vs. quality
Williams College

Erum: Do gorillas really exist?
Jess: Yeeah...
Erum: Where do they live?
Jess: Are you fuckin' kidding me?!?
Erum: ...I thought they were like unicorns.
-While watching King Kong
Pace University

"Not only is he gay, he has a girlfriend! Story of my life..."
-Tessa, on unavailable guys
College of William & Mary

Random Kid: I'm from Delaware.
Margot (whispering to Danielle): That's in Germany, right?... Oh wait never mind...I was thinking of Denmark.
Danielle: Yeah, Margot.
-On double negatives
College of Charleston

Matt: Which one do I do first Doc?
Professor: Rape, pillage, and burn. Order is important.
-On historical significance
Vermont Technical College

Dan: So what'd you do last night?
Booth: Last night started out great, it was like a perky titty, but better. It was like a tit with a vagina on it.
Dan: And...
Booth: Then it got really shitty, kinda like a dick with another dick growing on it.
-Booth, describing the anatomy of the evening
Shasta College

Leeny: If there's an evil Santa, I'm getting SO many presents this year! But they might be crappy presents.
Molly: Probably lumps of cheap coal.
Leeny: Yeah, not even the good stuff. And I know good coal when I see it.
-On a black Christmas
Seattle University

Steff: How many eighths make a whole? ...Oh, it's 8 isn't it? Wow, I'm smart.
Doo: I'm glad you said it, my answer wasn't as nice.
-On how much gas was left
Ramapo College of New Jersey

Tom: Mayonnaise works, it's pretty slippery.
Brian: I'd like to think it'd be fun to whack off with cookie dough.
Tom: If you need that kind of texture you're probably just jacking off way too much.
-Painful truths from the master
University of Wisconsin-Stout

Thursday, September 27

"I grabbed her boobs! RUN!!"
-Tyler, after jumping head first into a random girl's driver's side car window and grabbing her boobs
Iowa Central Community College

"Look how clitty that clit is..."
-Randall, while looking at porn on the internet with friends
University of Utah

"I thought that waitress at Mindy's was cute... turns out she's just retarded."
-K Si, WHAT?!
Joliet Junior College

Frank: Come on! Where's the hustle?!
Wendy: Frank, you do realize this is the WNBA?
-On female acceptance
Elysium University

Jeff: What are you doing?
Katie: Trying to teach my cat how to properly commit suicide. His last attempt just gave him brain damage and now he limps around like a pirate.
-Encouraging second tries
Iowa State University

M: I didn't think girls were that upset by seeing other girls' boobs...
A: Oh, trust me, if you saw Christina's boobs, even you would be upset!
-On titanic boobage too disturbing even for guys
Arizona State University

"Chlorine is the slut... and well, bromine is kind of the prude."
-Professor Summerlin, on chemical selectivity
Southern Methodist University

"The really difficult babies... those are the ones you just wanna drown."
-Professor, talking about personality
Anne Arundel Community College

"Dubba dubba dubba treasure chest...."
-J Fist, sleep-talking, trolling for gold
Joliet Junior College

Alex: Yeah, we went to the Guinness factory in Ireland. It was amazing, they had a 365 degree bar at the top of this place.
Jerod: What the fuck was in the other 5 degrees?
-On leftover views
University of Nebraska