College Quotes! Dumb-Funny Quotes

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Monday, December 5

Billy: Hey, I have something I've been meaning to tell you...
Chelsea: Okay. What is it?
Billy: I'm warning you, it's not very good news. I... uh, I...
Chelsea: What the hell is going on?
Billy: Ok well, put it this way, I went to the store, and I couldn't find any "I'm Sorry I Fucked Your Sister over Thanksgiving Break" Hallmark
cards.
-Billy, on alternative ways to break the news to your girlfriend
Indiana University

Mike (on the phone): Umm, dad? We decided to drink at your house last night and we kinda broke a lot of stuff. Just to warn you before you get
home.
Mike's dad: You are the worst possible result of an orgasm.
-Telling it like it is
Grant MacEwan College

"You know, we don't act like those emo kids, but tonight we sure did dress all emo-esque. I guess that makes us Esque-emos."
-Alan, on fashion sense
University of North Carolina at Charlotte

"Who needs wings and a halo when you move ten times faster without a soul."
-Kurt, on speed
Ohio State University

“Relative humidity, that's the sweat that develops between your balls and your ass while fucking your cousin.”
-Casey, proving that everybody from Minnesota is inbred
North Dakota State College of Science

Carmen: Okay, well if he pulls out, give me a call...
Rona: WHAT!
Carmen: Ditches out! I meant ditches out!
-Making plans for the night
Montana Tech

Andy: Oh! I had a one night stand last night! But it was terrible, so...
Erin: Haha. How terrible is terrible?
Andy: Well she could definitely do things with her mouth, but other than that, I might as well have been sticking my dick in a dead fish.
Erin: Ok, seeing as I lack the proper equipment, you're gonna have to elaborate on the dead fish thing.
-Erin, on gender perspectives
Southern Illinois University

Tommy: Did you take it?
Katy: No.
Tommy: Then you owe me 35 bucks, and I owe you a punch in the stomach.
-On the morning after pill
University of Arkansas

Jenn's mom: I got the funniest email of all the things you can only say on Thanksgiving! "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat....Tying the legs
together keeps the inside moist...."
Jenn's dad: We should come up with our own list!
Jenn: Just shove your fist in, dad!
-As Jenn's dad fought a losing battle with a new garbage bag
California State University, Long Beach

Megan: I got my grade back from my psych test today.
Brooke: Really what did you get?
Megan: I dunno, I can't remember.
Brooke: What was it on?
Megan: Memory.
-On dead giveaways
University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill

"You can't say 'chastity' without 'ass' and 'titty.' Go ahead, try. You can't do it."
-Kim, on the Freudian ironies of purity
Indian River Community College

Friday, December 2

"I've got a rocket for your pocket!"
-Andrew, sleep talking while grabbing his girlfriend's ass
Bowling Green State University

Cari: You're not really going to sleep with other women tomorrow are you?
Jeff: If I say no will you rub my back?
-On preventative tradeoffs
Buena Vista University

JD: She was fairly hot, it's cool though because she had big McDuffies.
Frat: Those are all good and fun but what did her McScruffy look like?
-On tangible assets
York College

Cory (Iran): We don't want a Western country imposing.
Deborah (France): It's a humanitarian mission, so it's not imposing.
Jason (India): But they have guns! It's imposing!
-If college students ruled the world (during an international simulation)
Brandeis University

"OH OH, ok, this is where you go to become a BUS!"
-Jamie, on "park and ride" while playing Catch Phrase
University of Wisconsin

Mike: Mikey likey.
Toph: Dude, they're like 13.
Mike: Old enough to ride a bike, old enough for Mike.
-Rhyming his way to jail
University of California, Santa Barbara

"My mom went to the ER today...that was interesting....'cause um for a while there we had no one to cook Thanksgiving dinner."
-Shawn, on potential dire consequences
Arkansas Tech University

JD: Should I put it in the butt?
JD's mom: Yeah.
-JD, stuffing the turkey over Thanksgiving
Penn State University

"I can't imagine having seven things coming out of me that weren't like...periods."
-Katie, after a news report on septuplets
Brandeis University

Brad: Dude, you threw a bottle at her!?
Kyle: Yeah, I was pissed. She sucked at beer pong.
Brad: And she was on your team?
Kyle: Yeah.
Brad: Hahah Jesus...what was her name?
Kyle: I dunno....Lisa?
Brad: Well, Lisa has a new nickname.
-On the birth of Bottle Face Lisa
Keene State College

Matt: How the fuck have you been dude?
Rick: I just lost 120lbs over night.
Matt: what the fuck?
Rick: I broke up with the bitch.
University of Louisiana

Thursday, December 1

Stacy: If we go to Northern, we'll have a blast.
Nikki: Sweet sweet.
Stacy: And I'll be closer to where Zumiez guy lives!! I'm so bending over in your direction!!
-Stacy, leaning towards transferring to NIU
Moraine Community College

Mike: How about a drug trading program? You trade in your crack for pot. I mean, bump them down to a less addictive drug.
Ben: Isn't pot the gateway drug?
Mike: So they start back at square one.
-Solving drug problems
Ohio State University

Megan: Don't you ever have that, where you have pressure right here? (points to pelvic area)
Amy: Like cramps?
Megan: No, just pressure.
Cassi: Only when there's a penis in me.
-Megan, on gas pressure
Buena Vista University

Random guy: What are you doing here?
Mike: Visiting my friend....Steve.
Random guy: Where does he live?
Mike: On this floor, dumbass.
-Sneaking into a dorm to find lesbians
Ohio State University

"Imagine the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl and they're driving downfield and all they need is a field goal. So. they're about to kick the field goal and suddenly a bolt
of lightning hits him and vaporizes him. And the guy taking the snap is so stunned that he loses the ball and, of course they're playing the Cincinnati Bengals. Can they play
each other in the Super Bowl? No? Ok, how about the dreaded Baltimore Ravens? No? Ok the uhhh...San Francisco 49ers, there we go. So they recover the ball and run it down the
field and...there's an earthquake...and...Herbert Hoover."
-Professor Spence, describing how Herbert Hoover was blamed for the Great Depression
Xavier University

"If you drunk it, they will drink."
-Danny, drunkenly misquoting Field of Dreams
Northeast Texas Community College

Sara: Is it proper etiquette to fart on a first date?
Nigel: If it's a quif.
-Discussing the rules of dating
University of Minnesota Twin Cities

Norm: Pause the DVD for a minute I'll be right back.
Jess: Ok. Wait. NO! You're not going to poop are you?
Norm: Nope. I feel compelled to jerk it on the crapper.
Jess: Oh, okay, I guess it'll be pretty quick then.
Norm: Yep. When it's all about me I try a lot harder.
-Norm, trumping his woman's low blow
University of British Columbia

Cobb: Dang, there's like 8 beds in here. It's like that movie.
Kyle: Commando?
Cobb: No, that one movie.
Kyle: Independence Day?
Cobb: No, that movie with the room with all the beds...
Kyle: All Dogs Go to Heaven??
-On long term memory and shots in the dark
Howard Payne University

Towson fans (chanting): Maryland reject!!
Loyola fans (chanting): Safety school!
Towson: We get laid!!
Loyola: STDs!!
Towson: STDs!!
-On basketball chants, rivalries, and common ground
Loyola College in Maryland

Nate: Ryan, wake up and come back over to our room.
Ryan: No deal no deal.
Nate: Come on man, these guys don't even know your here, let's go back to our room.
Ryan: No deal, New Kids on the Block no deal... No deal for new kids.
-Ryan, not wanting to leave the couch at 7 a.m.
Buena Vista University

Ali: I don't know how to google about those girls that get sold as sex slaves without getting sent to porn websites...
Victoria: Um...human trafficking?
Ali: ...Oh.
Champlain College