Hey y’all, it’s me your favorite mama from Arkansas, Michelle!

The rabid goat acting as our current pastor recommended a wonderful program that me and Jim Bob instantly fell in love with. It’s called The Handmaid’s Tale, and it tells a beautiful story of what America should be.

Set after a peaceful takeover, The Handmaid’s Tale portrays a world where focus isn’t on Ruth Whorder Slutsberg and myths like sexual assault charges. Instead, the focus is on the Bible and reproduction. Important!!!! Women are given the sacred job of having children for powerful couples in a world where fertility rates are down.

I was so moved by The Handmaid’s Tale, I felt that I had to write a review and spread the word about the incredible, godly message the show sends.

Here we go!

1. Using the Bible for Everything

Finally, a show that promotes the Good Book. There are way too many heathenish books taking the place of the Bible–things like Webster’s Dictionary and Goodnight Moon. There’s only one book you need, and that’s the Bible!

Plus, Gilead’s (new America) government interprets the Bible word-for-word. No horseplay, they get down to the nitty-gritty. No one questions the teachings, but if they do, they’re taken care of… if you know what I mean 😉

Amazing! God is truly alive, praise be!

2. Women Do Not Read

This is a major plus for me because it is so rare that you see women not reading. It is sinful for women to read, and it distracts from important jobs like child rearing and perfecting the art of being human coat racks. Jim Bob (who’s a little loosey-goosey sometimes) permits me to read, but my brain can’t handle it, especially when I have my period!

I did teach most of my older girls to read, but bless them, they don’t have the knack for it either, no surprise there! Now, they can see beautiful women just like them who not reading, or having independent thoughts on TV. Representation matters!

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3. Women are 100% Dependent on Men

The Handmaid’s Tale accurately portrays women as weak and dependent characters. It’s a well-known scientific fact that women can’t use their brains without combusting like a firecracker on the 4th of July. What’s so genius is that the women (minus the wives) do not have their own names! Instead, they are giving their commander’s name with “of” placed in front of it. The practice symbolizes that women are owned by men (the truth is out there!). Thinking about it, I do like the sound of “Ofjimbob”…

4. Babies!!!

Babies, babies, babies!!! Y’all know how much I love babies, and The Handmaid’s Tale is all about babies. I loved that people were sad when handmaids got their periods. I still feel the same way every month when I see blue stains on my pantaloons.

Unfortunately, some of the characters aren’t too thrilled about being pregnant. I hope the writers alter their attitudes come season two. May the Lord open their hearts to the blessed fruit!

5. Men are Treated Like Kings

Men, the heart and soul of our country, are constantly shamed and attacked for no reason. They deserve anything and everything they could ever want. The Handmaid’s Tale shows the true power of men as strong, intelligent people to be admired. The Wives, Marthas and Handmaids all do their best to ensure Commanders’ every whim is attended to, and they don’t protest because they don’t have original thoughts!

Seeing the teachings I’ve instilled in my own daughters used in a major television production is truly a blessing. If only wonderful men like Commander Warren, Jim Bob, and Josh, my favorite slug.

6. Costumes

Someone call “Restrictive Weekly” because the clothes on the show are so chic! I thought I was good at dressing my body like a burlap sack full of potatoes, but I have been outdone! Women need to keep up the idea that we’re all just floating heads with robot arms. Long, shapeless, red dresses that make it hard for a lady to run away? Sign me up! A lady’s bare arms should only be seen by her husband, once a year during a solar eclipse. And the bonnets the handmaids wear are TO DIE FOR! Maybe if the sluts on Sesame Street did the same they wouldn’t be hanging out with bums in trash cans.

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7. Utopia

Gilead is the Utopia that Jim Bob and I dream of for our children. A place whiter than the animal lard I cook with, where everyone is in a loving, heterosexual relationship, just as God intended. The show is really realistic because homosexuals and other deviants like infertile women do not exist! Their absence makes society the pure jar of mayonnaise just as God and Colonel Sanders planned.

8. Positive, Holy Female Role Models

In 2017 people are inundated with so many unsuitable “role models.” Wonder Women, Viola Davis, Janet Mock, Emma Watson are all hellish sinners who try to corrupt soft, female minds. I’m happy my girls have role models like Ofwarren, the handmaid so excited to give her baby daughter up for the greater good; Aunt Lydia, the strict, but loving teacher performing God’s work; and Serena Joy, the complacent, dutiful wife. They are all perfect examples of living a healthy and fulfilling life.

I really feel that The Handmaid’s Tale is the perfect television show. Despite some points where it feels like scenes are missing, it’s basically perfect. I hope that the world of handmaids becomes a reality soon, maybe after Trump’s second term! That’s all from me, I have to go burn some books at my local library!

Praise Be!

-Michelle

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