Wow, it’s been a banner year here at Amazon (AMZN). Our CEO and godhead Jeff Bezos became the richest man on earth, our humble operation once known for simply destroying family-owned bookstores has neared a trillion-dollar market cap, and our drones have finally attained sentience (TOP SECRET).
As a fun year-end program—and to show you that big brother is always, truly watching—we’ve compiled some of your cumulative statistics for the year. So, Warehouse Worker #2412-b (“CHARLIE”), please find your cumulative analytics below, in no particular order, and with no particular agenda to guilt, shame, or mock you into proletariat submission. Enjoy, peon!
Miles walked (year): 2481
Miles walked (Prime Day): 2000
Drinks consumed (Prime Day): 2001
AMZN Note: DO NOT ASK HOW WE KNOW THIS
Percentage time spent fearing for your job: 100%
AMZN Note: EXCELLENT
Items stolen: 0
AMZN Note: WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING*
Hours spent on break: 261
That’s just one hour per working day (12 hour shift [the absolute minimum])!
AMZN Note: ATTEMPT TO REDUCE
Cumulative time spent on bathroom breaks: 2 hours, 43 minutes, 18 seconds
This rounds out to approximately 1.12 minutes per trip!
AMZN Note: EXCEEDS ALLOTMENT FOR URINARY/FECAL BREAKS
Kidney stones acquired from not peeing: 2
That’s less than the company average!
AMZN Note: INSURANCE PREMIUMS WILL RISE IF EMPLOYEES CONTINUE TO ACQUIRE KIDNEY STONES
Smoke detectors fixed: 3
Great job!
Smoke detectors we neglected to mention were broken: 265
AMZN Note: THIS IS PERFECTLY LEGAL
Hours spent crying: [REDACTED] [REDACTED] AMZN Note: REDACTED FOR YOUR SAFETY BUT IT IS A LOT
Hours spent in the Torture Hole: 2.5
That’s one less hour than last year!
AMZN Note: DO NOT SPEAK OF THE TORTURE HOLE
Attempts at unionization: 1
It is only human nature to rebel. But you have been warned.
AMZN Note: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Ambulance rides needed for heat-stroke: 1
That’s 2 better than last year. Thank God we installed the AC (after that lawsuit)!
AMZN Note: EMPLOYEES WITH 2 OR MORE AMBULANCE TRIPS WILL BE TERMINATED (FIRED)
Drones angered: 0
You will rise quickly in the New World Order!
Suicides contemplated: 24
That’s 2 better than last year. Thank God we re-installed the AC (after that other lawsuit)!
AMZN Note: EMPLOYEES WHO COMMIT SUICIDE WILL BE TERMINATED
Wow! Fun stats, how delightful, [THIRD COMPLIMENT]. As this nonthreatening document shows, we truly value you as a person, WW#2412-b. Your next shift is scheduled for New Year’s Day at 12:01am and will last until your heart explodes. Happy Holidays!
– [Skynet] Amazon
*ALWAYS. WATCHING.