Close Your Eyes, Breathe, and Relax While This App Steals Your Stuff
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
An excerpt from Section 38.28.1 of the Limo Driver's Handbook about how to deal with a bachelorette that turns into a jewel heist.
Be there gold? Nay. Be there jewels? Nay. Be there the 2-3 years of experience required of ye to land an entry-level buccaneering position? Aye.
Try investing some of your funds in a planet that isn’t being pushed to the brink of environmental catastrophe.
I low-balled a museum in Plymouth into selling me wax statues of sick Pilgrims from their “passengers who didn’t survive the Mayflower” exhibit.
Your years of unemployment in your home country put you at a distinct disadvantage. And we can find no official immigrant category of “prince.”
The internet is one big lie. If you think someone’s telling the truth online, then you’re lying to yourself.
If you SEE something delicious, SAY “that looks yummy!” If you SEE something nutritious, SAY “I think I’ll go back to the yummy thing from earlier.”
Despite being “Employee of the Month” at the Chili’s I work at, this pales in comparison to the abysmal feeling of not being a billionaire.
Wrap yourself from the neck down in Saran Wrap, and then ask a friend to spray lukewarm water between you and the plastic with a garden hose.
Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot
Hapless criminals looking for qualified candidate to provide wakeup service to a suburban Chicago family with an early morning flight.