RE: Two Weeks Notice Resignation letter — AMENDED — FOLLOW UP
Dear Mr. Kowalski,
I am writing to you again today to formally request adding 50 weeks to my previous two-week notice resignation letter. This amendment to my previous notice updates my last day to effectively 365 days from this date.
This was a very hard decision to make, especially since my last letter could be considered “very strongly worded” or “irredeemable.” I love this company and truly don’t believe that it’s a “steaming pile of shit where shareholders feast on our happiness.” The past six years have been rewarding, not been a “suck chamber” where I’ve “eagerly counted down until my death.” Regardless of what I said about your lazy eye, I have always admired your leadership. You are in NO WAY an insecure micromanaging prick, but rather an effective manager who knows how to push their employees.
Some things I meant, like I have appreciated the opportunities for growth you’ve provided me. However, some things simply aren’t true—for instance, I would much rather be here, slogging away in my cube, NOT in a lion cage wearing a meat suit chanting “Long live the King.” Your morning meetings ARE inspiring; I certainly would not prefer watching my parent’s sex tape. And you know I was only kidding because how does one even wipe their ass with a job?
I am someone who takes responsibility for their actions, and my initial resignation may have been a tad too passionate. Destroying your family’s canvas portrait was a regrettable decision but I have already taken measures to repair it (we will need to add Scotch tape to our next supply order). Additionally, defecating in your office may have been a bit overboard and an uninspired gesture. However I have already talked with housekeeping and they are sending someone to retrieve the mess and clean the rug.
While security was escorting me out of the building, I realized this may have been a mistake. My original letter would’ve never left the drafts folder had I realized how competitive the job market currently is. I did not understand that “employer’s market” was actually a bad thing for potential job candidates like myself and that I should have only sent such a letter after acquiring employment elsewhere. I mean, if someone said, “Hey, I'm going to the apple market” you'd think there were a lot of available apples there, right?
Thankfully, my badge still worked upon reentry with the box of my personal items. You should’ve seen the confused look on our security guard’s face. He didn’t know whether to call the real police or help me with my plants (he chose the former).
To reiterate, I am not untendering my resignation, only providing you a few (50) additional weeks to my original two-week notice. So I just wanted to circle back and see if I can be of service during my final 52 weeks at the company. In the interim, I am more than happy to train an incoming employee, or assist with the transition in any other way. I promise to not discuss all the bullshit office politics.
I look forward to seeing you around the water cooler when you do your classic “look at your watch” bit. Again, this is not a retraction of my resignation, if anything it's reaffirming that I want to leave, but just not as soon as I had predicted. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I’ll opt to continue collecting a paycheck but I’m definitely on my way out.
Thank you for allowing me this extra time while I continue to explore opportunities that better suit my skills. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask.
P.S. I need Friday off because I have a prior commitment (renaissance faire) that I can’t get out of. Thanks for understanding!