If Countries were Contestants on Last Comic Standing
Italy: "I just called Comcast and asked if there's an extra charge for Rome-ing? ...Hello? What are you? An audience or a Michelangelo painting?"
Tag: Security
The iPhone 43 is Finally Here
Tim Cook's voice sounded almost dreamlike as it reverberated off the pillars and buttresses of the repurposed superchurch that served as Apple's Announcement Pod.
The Wall Was Just a Racist Metaphor
I hear these liberals saying, "Look, President Trump hasn't done anything—no wall!" Didn't get that when I said "build a wall," it was just a racist metaphor.
Do You Have the Security Clearance Required to Tell Rob Gronkowski the Real Truth About the Centauri UFO Landing of 1966?
Have you received unexpected pizza deliveries with notes attached: "Tell Rob Gronkowski and you’ll be sorry"? If so, you have the necessary clearance.
My Illustrious Time in a Maximum Security Prison (Thus Far)
In just three days in prison I've learned so much, made and lost friends, gained literal and emotional scars, and grown as a person. These next 728 days should be a breeze.
10 New Common Sense Rules to Make Air Travel More Pleasant
If you still don't know that going through airport security means only packing liquids portioned for an American Girl doll, you don't deserve to go to the Bahamas.
How to Import a Dagger Without Getting Arrested
It is difficult to describe the expression on a security guard’s face when you run a backpack with a 17-inch dagger through the x-ray machine.
Five Tips for Nervous American Tourists Abroad
As a reformed predator of tourists, I feel it is my duty to make amends for all of my past wrongdoings by sharing some simple tips for traveling safely.
Forgetting Your Password: The Five Stages of Grief
There's no way I entered this incorrectly; I watched myself do it the right way ten times now. Why would I get my password wrong? It's MY password.
11 Awesome Things About Being a Bouncer
Sometimes you just feel the need to punch somebody. And if you follow that impulse, there's a job that let's you live your fantasy: grab a clipboard and become a bouncer.