The Survival Guide for Open Mics
The Musician: This Jason Mraz-wannabe thought this mic was for music, but ended up in a cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason.
Tag: Security
I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class
Many have told me that there would not be a problem in the first place if I would just get out of the way. Unfortunately, that isn't how I see it.
The Essential Infowars Supplements
Super Male Vitality: We went to a gas station and bought every dick pill that we could. Then we crushed them up and put them into a vial.
I’m a Cholesterol Molecule and I’m Sick of All This Fat Shaming
Doctors always say things like "watch that cholesterol." They are unwarrantedly suspicious and overtly vigilante over an entire group. It's profiling!
How to Get Past Your Baseball Team Losing in the Playoffs…Again
If your friend's team was the one that eliminated your team, tell them they can see you at your funeral.
Please Insert Your Chip Into the Card Reader
Please insert your chip into the card reader. Please please insert your card. Please please please. Please society. Please the machine. Chip card.
Incel Burger Has Heard Your Complaints and We’re Sorry
As our apology, have a free “Girlfriend’s Fingers Fries,” which are for scraping against your cheek so that you can pretend you have a girlfriend.
Unexpected Spiritual Lessons From Using a 7-Day Free Trial of Headspace in the Restroom at Work
Focus on your breath or letting your body go limp as it’s being dragged out of an ADA compliant stall by a security guard named Dennis.
Famously Unethical Psychological Experiments Re-Envisioned for Millennials
A phoneless participant will be quizzed about Buffy. If they get an answer wrong, another participant will be instructed to send a text to an ex.
To the Stranger Who Hogged the Dance Dance Revolution Machine
How did you ask me to watch your gallon jug of water without a second thought or an inkling of remorse?
Emails Between God and His IT Guy
Don’t worry, Big Man, we’ll figure this out. (By the way, You really should come downstairs to level 5 to get a cupcake!)
I Hunted the Most Dangerous Game: The Animatronic Creatures at The Rainforest Cafe
A lot of people will call into question whether or not attacking robots in a theme restaurant can be considered a sport.