No, I Won’t Stop Dumping Trash on Your Lawn
It is not my fault that your son got a splinter from the demolished wood pieces that I judiciously donated to your lawn.
Tag: America
2020 Election Gamer’s Guide: Boss Walkthrough
Level 1 Boss: Twitter user with American flag emoji in profile / Special Attack: Signature Retweet-and-Comment, usually in form of an OANN headline.
I’m Your NHL Commissioner, and If I Say We’re Playing at EPCOT, We’re Playing at EPCOT!
We may not have the NBA Bubble, but we do have the NHL Geodesic Sphere. It’s an exhibit called "1999: World of Tomorrow," and it’s your new home.
An Oil Lobbyist Debunks “Clean Air Is Good” and Other Lies You’ve Been Told
If there’s not enough pollution in the air to do serious damage to your lungs, doctors will suddenly find themselves out of work.
It Pains Me to Give a 1-Star Review to the Re-Opened Colonial Williamsburg, but the Actors’ N95 Masks Were Obviously Historically Inaccurate
How am I supposed to believe a real colonial woman is teaching me to churn butter, when her flawless colonial outfit is tainted by latex gloves?
The PDX Protest Festival Lineup
A rundown of all the groups scheduled to appear at Portland's nightly protest, including Average Wife Band and They Might Be Half-Brothers.
Hey America, All Your Statues Suck (From the Ghost of Michelangelo)
Did no one in art school for the past two centuries take any notes in their Michelangelo class? They still spend a semester on me, right?
I Am a Log and I’m Running for President
As a proud deciduous piece of American timber, I now see it as my obligation to throw my hat in the ring or, more accurately, my rings in the ring.
How Can Anyone Think the Moon Landing Was Faked by Stanley Kubrick, When It Was Clearly Ingmar Bergman?
The flag looks like it's waving because Buzz Aldrin was twisting the flagpole and Ingmar Bergman had an innate gift for the composition of movement.
Definitely My Quarantine Morning Routine
I definitely don’t lay in bed motionless, hovering between sleep and wakefulness, until finally my hungry cat comes and scream-meows in my face.
I’m Your White Facebook Friend Who Never Left Their Hometown and I’m Here to Teach You about Conspiracy Theories
Did you know that Bill Gates actually invented racism? It’s something he put in all the vaccines. ALL OF THEM. But no, you probably don’t want to hear that.
Now’s Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right?
Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.