America | Page 7 | Points in Case

Tag: America

I don’t understand why no one wants to hire me. I played opposite Annette Benning, for fuck sakes.

I’m thankful for friendships, romance, love of family--any bond that involves physical contact and is so strong it can supersede self-preservation.

8:15 AM: I get ready for my workday. I am dressed in a t-shirt that says “Open Letter To 'The Man': Eat Shit.”

We are really vibing with 2020. We just had bubble tea for the first time! Back when we were alive, tea was just this, like, sad British thing.

With so much laughter and Vicodin flooding the streets during the daylight hours, powerful dream beasts emerge to rule the night.

For starters, many of you have been attending parties. We told you not to do that! We thought you’d listen to us.

Can’t seem to think of a good slogan. “Minnesota: Chug It Down!” No, that’s not it. “Minnesota: Everybody in the Pool!” Closer, but still no.

The signature we have on file features Shrek ears over the "s" in an apparent reference to the 2001 DreamWorks film starring Mike Myers.

Enter the front yard and you are immediately confronted with the Graveyard of the Norms. Every tombstone reads the name, "Norm 1776-2016."

Imagine the home-field advantage for the SF Identity Thieves as their mascot "Guccifer 7.0" announces credit card info of the opposing players.

These two American staples have a lot in common: trials, tribulation, love, even amputation. How many will you get right?

I call my contraption "Four Score and Seven Thrills Ago: Honest Abe’s Adventures in American Aviation." I look forward to hearing from you!