Heeyyy. What’s up fellow Americans? Things are getting kinda crazy right now so we thought it might be a good time to rise from our graves and clear some things up for you guys!

Ok first of all—as bad as everything might seem, we are actually really vibing with 2020. We just had bubble tea for the first time! The staff convinced us to try taro and now we’ll never go back. This century really has it good. Back when we were alive, tea was just this, like, sad British thing that was constantly getting thrown into harbours. So much has changed. We noticed that people aren’t really into muskets anymore? We personally still stan but are definitely open to change. Also—yam fries? Y’all are crazy!

So, us homies just got a shared Twitter account (don’t hate us! We know it’s weird and bro-y but we thought it was cute!) We started scrolling the feed to see what was going on in Washington. Initially, we got super distracted trying to do the WAP challenge, but we’re finally ready to talk to the public about everything that’s been going on.

It looks like a lot of you guys are stressing about a potential coup by your current leader—who by the way has crazy wack hair loool! Benji is literally so happy we aren’t dragging him anymore—as soon as we saw a pic of POTUS we were like, “relax babe, we finally found a new target!”

Anyway—this is so awkward, but we noticed that a lot of you are referencing this document we sort of wrote and signed a while back called The Constitution? Particularly this one section, the Twentieth Amendment?

We’re so sorry for the confusion, but we just wanted to come forward and say that document was like… totally a joke on our part. So embarrassing! We had no idea you guys would take it so seriously, and we’re actually pretty shook (and flattered!) that it went viral the way it did.

I know what you’re thinking—it seems like a pretty serious thing to write. But that’s like, why it’s so funny if that makes sense? Plus, you have to understand the context. Think of America as an old-timey Hype House. We were in this pretty new land, and felt totally free to just be our silly selves! Finally, we didn’t have some King breathing down our necks being like, “I’m your King, bow to me, God gave me this job,” etc.

Things got pretty heated I guess—one Congress led to another, and the next thing you know people are like “Wow you guys invented a new system of governance!” and we were like “Yoooo what?”

Then, when Georgie Porgie (yes, that is how he’s known among friends) stepped down in 1797, everyone was like “oh shit I guess we’re actually doing this thing!” The rest is… literal history.

For your own sakes, we just want you guys to be cool about everything because honestly, it’s not that big of a deal. We lived under a monarchy for years, and it was pretty alright (well, not for the peasants—but we were chilling!)

The point is, all that talk about rights and voting and transfer of power was sort of just us… fucking around. We were smoking a lot of opium. Think of it as a weird rebellious phase, like that season of Sex and the City when Carrie has that short haircut randomly? Her curls are her signature and it’s like, why mess with a good thing? As you can see, we just discovered HBO Go!

And look, we totally hear you. People really took this document to heart, which is super cute. We get that you guys feel like this is the glue holding your nation together and the only thing preventing your fate from falling into the hands of a crazed, narcissistic dictator. But you need to remember that we were just kids—high on opium and full of crazy dreams!

So just take a moment to relax, breathe, do some yoga with Adrienne, and remember that none of this is real! We literally invented a country one day because it seemed funny—plus we needed a way to get Benji to shut the fuck up about inventing electricity. Did the formation of that country result in years of drama and bloodshed? Yes! Would we do it all again just to have one more crazy adventure with the boys? Hell yeah we would 😉


And now a quick joke...

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?