There is no scientific evidence that my garbage causes your house to look bad, smell bad, or be rodent-infested. Take responsibility for your crappy lawn, which has nothing to do with my garbage and everything to do with your awful white picket fence and shoddy stonework. In fact, by adding garbage to your lawn, I am fertilizing it for you, A.K.A., doing you a favor.

Recently, Dr. Knowledge of Smart College stated, “used razor blades and rotting meat make great fertilizer for your neighbor’s lawn.” Who are we to argue with a medical professional? No, it was not a peer-reviewed study, but you can’t trust the other scientific peers. They are liars, who are paid by anti-garbage special interest groups. Don’t even get me started with how universities peddle the bullshit theory that the earth is round.

To be frank, I just don’t appreciate your victim mentality. It is not my fault that your son got a splinter from the demolished wood pieces that I judiciously donated to your lawn. It is not my fault that you wrecked your car driving over dozens of Pringle cans. It is not my fault that your plants died from the bottles of whiskey that I generously donated to your rose bush. It is not my fault that my microwave landed in your chimney. Sheesh… I’ve never seen someone receive charity and then complain about it in such a selfish manner.

My garbage is a gift and you should treat it as such.

“Dump it in the bins”? Are you insane? Garbage bins are the most dangerous place to put your trash. One day, a Trader Joe’s worker’s nephew’s friend’s father’s cousin’s bride’s Rabbi’s dentist’s son discovered the garbage man looking through his garbage. What a violation of privacy! I’d rather willingly display my trash on your lawn than have some delinquent garbage man scavenge through my personal treasures without my permission. And, why should I participate in a consumerist culture, where I have to pay for plastic bags to collect all of the trash in my home and then carry those heavy garbage bags all the way to my garbage bin for some evil garbage man to simply collect my personal information? Obviously, it is much more ethical to just finish a soda can and chuck it out of the window onto your lawn.

Before you dare say “think of your common man,” I ask you to remember the founding fathers of the United States of America. Remember the Boston Tea Party? The Sons of Liberty dumped 342 chests of tea into the water. They were proud litterers and I wear my littering as a badge of honor, because I am a true American unlike you, who wants to abolish my freedom of speech and assembly by banning me from assembling my trash on your lawn. Stop taking away my freedom of speech and let me write poetry by spelling words with soup cans on your lawn. I’m being censored!

Furthermore, you are wasting so much time complaining about this non-issue, when there are other horrible atrocities out there in the world. There are genocides and arsonists, who burn down houses. Focus on the arsonists, and not the litterers, who fertilize your lawn for free and better the world in their own special way.

Now, Jim, once you’re done complaining about nothing, could you stop blocking my driveway with your car? You’re causing me quite the inconvenience.