Guys, GUYS! The bus driver just informed me we’re only two hours outside of Disney! Who’s excited? I said, who’s EXCIIITED?!…

Oh c’mon, this partnership with EPCOT is great! I know it’s the educational Disney park, and it doesn’t technically have any “rollercoasters” or “potable water,” but the important thing is you’ll be playing the game you love in the safest, emptiest park in America!

Now let’s open these cool protocol binders and talk logistics.

Page 1, Lodging. We may not have the NBA Bubble, but we do have the NHL Geodesic Sphere. It’s an interactive exhibit called “1999: World of Tomorrow,” and it’s your new home. Each team gets their own futuristic sleep pods, and guys, they look SICK. If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “man, I wish Tetris made beds,” this place is for you!

We’re hoping the shared living quarters will bring you all closer together. Think of it like college! The pods are the “dorms,” the vats of Dippin’ Dots are your “meal plans,” and the tourists peering into your rooms are your “RAs.”

Woah woooahh, what’s the problem?! Wow, some ungrateful players on the bus. You’d hardly know I SAVED the season! If you all are so against this, why don’t we just turn around? I’ll talk to the driver, and he’ll turn this bus right around!

That’s what I thought…

Guys, this is gonna be a fun! Sure, you’re all part-time Disney employees living in an exhibit, but listen to these attractions and tell me you’re not excited: Tesla Motors: The Charging Experience, Splash Mountain Simulator, Frozen II: Water Cycle Adventure, and a sports science exhibit we’ve already committed to volunteer at! Neat, huh?

Your employment also means you’re getting full access to EPCOT’s state-of-the-art sports complex. We’re talkin’ a 5,000 seat auditorium designed specifically for NHL Hockey and a bi-hourly Shark Tale-On-Ice Spectacular. Don’t worry though, the Disney tie-in is super subtle. And if anything, the penalty box full of jellyfish should discourage high-sticking, HAH! But seriously, violence and bleeding are prohibited.

Flipping to page 5, I’m thrilled to announce that our jerseys are getting full upgrades! They’re now moisture-wicking, and 100% COVID-safe thanks to mask inserts with cartoon shark faces and strategic, shark fin-shaped padding. And just like the NBA, you can swap your jersey names for social justice messages, just so long as the messages are also the names of characters from the movie Shark Tale. Which brings me to my next, exciting announcement…

We’re performing in the Shark Tale-On-Ice Spectacular!


Guys, this is an opportunity to reach a younger audience! To grow our fanbase! And all you have to do is spend the breaks between periods pirouetting like sharks! Except for the goalies, of course. You’ll be crabs…

Hey, HEY! NO SPITTING, Bobrovsky! Wow! Some rude goalies on this bus…

I’m putting my neck on the line for you players, and I’m not feeling very appreciated right now! You know, it’s not too late to back out of your contracts. I’ll call the league office, cancel your paychecks, grab the wheel of this bus and turn it RIGHT AROUND! You want that??

I’ll take your grunts as a “no.” GOOD.

Finally, if you turn to page 12, you’ll find your room keys along with FastPasses for Neil deGrasse Tyson 4D and Gift Shop: The Ride. Any questions?

No Zhitnikiski, I don’t think “this situation” will incentivize tanking…

Oh really Jablisko?! You’re gonna intentionally get COVID? Well, joke's on you 'cause players who test positive go underground with the bleeders!

You know, I’ve had it up to HERE with the negativity! So the deal I negotiated isn’t perfect. So I gave Disney too much. Big whoop! I SAVED THE SEASON! But all anyone wants to talk about is how we’re sponsored by Dippin’ Dots and the Stanley Cup’s a big bowl of ice cream now…


Shit, even NASCAR got Animal Kingdom…

I just wish… I wish I was the “cool” commissioner, you know? I’d get you a good park and dap you up like Adam Silver. But I’m not Adam Silver. I’m Stan Coleman, the NHL commissioner no one’s heard of. And I know I’m a nobody because my name’s actually Gary Bettman and none of you assholes bothered to correct me!

No Langenkopfbrunner, I don’t need a tissue. I’M SWEATING!

Look guys, can’t we just give this a try? All I’m asking is for you to spend the next 11 months at EPCOT, ok? Who’s with me? I said WHO’S WITH ME? YEEEEAAAAH!

Now let’s start getting pumped! Remember, we’ve got free reign over an ENTIRE amusement park! Did someone say Osmosis Jones: The Slideshow? And did you see they’ve got a Warring Nomads exhibit? I hear it’s so immersive, you’ll feel like you’re contractually obligated to be a part of it!