Obituaries for a Thanksgiving Turkey
He passed the way he lived, with quiet dignity. Nourishing the owners of Grace Organic Farm with the bravery, honor, and tender thighs of a true hero.
Tag: Animals
Prosaic Texts from My Single Dad
Redoing my will tomorrow. I may need your social security number. Don’t text it! / I just watched Get Out. Excellent.
Five Netflix Series That Falsely Accuse Me of Taking a Bath with the Chimps at the Zoo
A Chimp-Bather Among Us: This two-part documentary series suggests that on May 7, 2014, I stripped naked and scrubbed myself along with the chimps.
The Email Conversation I Had with My Middle School Vice Principal after Repeatedly Butt-Dialing Him While Riding a Mechanical Bull
"Unless this is some sort of street lingo I need to brush up on, I think you may have accidentally contacted me. LOL!"
Am I Describing My Broken Car to My Mechanic, or Describing My Miniature Labradoodle?
I know it’s not very masculine, but it’s really more for my family than anything. I would have gone with a bigger one if not for my wife.
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.
Review Your Monkey’s Paw Order on Amazon
"I got this weird monkey’s paw from some dude hanging outside of Port Authority. I was trying to buy weed and he said he had something stronger? Lol"
Championship Racehorse or Joe Bidenism?
Some of these are horses that made the turns and came out on top. Some are turns of phrase associated with a horse still in the running.
I’m a Proudly Ambitious Burmese Python, but I Think I’ve Made a Huge Mistake
It is so very, very stuck. Goddamnit, Frank. Goddamnit. You just had to eat the whole thing, didn’t you? You know better than to try shit like this.
Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.
Is My Dog Spanky a Good Boy, or a Foot Soldier for the Patriarchy?
He gets excited when I feed him, but seems lukewarm when I reach important academic milestones or make advancements in my career.
Actually, This IS My First Rodeo
Is there a changing area? I was thinking of wearing my cycling gear for the riding events because of the butt padding—makes my thighs look amazing.