A Chimp-Bather Among Us

This two-part documentary series, an outrageously biased hit job, suggests that, when I visited the zoo on May 7, 2014 with my sister Tonya and her scurrilous husband Jake, I stripped naked, dived into the chimpanzee enclosure, and began soaping and scrubbing myself along with the chimps as they took their daily bath. This is patently untrue. The only evidence is my sister and brother-in-law’s testimony, which is motivated by their jealousy of the bitchin’ camo wallet I stole from the army surplus store, as well as closed-circuit footage of me being wet, which was actually a result of me crudely hitting on an ex-Navy Seal’s twentysomething daughter at the funnel cake stand and him throwing me into a coin fountain back-hair-first.

What Did Bugsy See?

This five-part series, a follow-up to the A Chimp-Bather Among Us, not only takes the accusations of my alleged chimp-wash at face value, but suggests that one of the chimps in presence, Bugsy, may have been traumatized by the sight of my pimply chest, stretch-marked hips, and saxophone-shaped mole on my thigh. Zoo workers maintain that shortly after the supposed incident, Bugsy became withdrawn and sullen, and would sign despondently to his handlers about seeing my varicose veins and abnormally small butt. I maintain that Bugsy’s depression was most likely due to recent headlines about global warming, and that the bodily features he identified were all a lucky guess based on how weird-looking the parts I actually show are.

A Chimp-Bather Wronged?

I was encouraged by the premise of this seven-episode program, which investigated the possibility that I might be innocent of the loathsome charges against me. The filmmaker, Errol Morris, was even kind enough to interview me and allow me to make my case and try to restore honor to my name.

Regrettably, however, Morris ultimately comes to the conclusion that, not only did I bathe with those chimps, I may have also been responsible for several other chimp-bathings at zoos across North America. And while these reported baths did happen to coincide with various trips I’ve taken over the years to buy obscure regional sodas in bulk, they are not my doing!

Of Chimps and Loofahs

This ten-episode scripted show stars Jonah Hill as a drooling, sore-infested, and unabashedly evil version of me, along with Jessica Biel as my sister and Topher Grace as my “saintly” brother-in-law, who labors in vain to stop me from shouting “It’s bubble time, baby!” and diving butt-first into the chimps’ tub of suds. The series, which suggests that I am also responsible for the Zodiac murders of the late ’60s, despite not being born until 1981, was directed by the otherwise great Andrea Arnold and written by, you guessed it, my brother-in-law.

VeggieTales in the House

In a second-season episode of this children’s animated show, Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber teach Laura Carrot a lesson about the importance of honesty by explaining, over the course of an entire episode, the facts of my case and the importance of admitting to the truth if you ever decide to get wet and wild with primates at the zoo. While I am obviously outraged at the show’s decision to repeat my sister and brother-in-law’s lies about my conduct, I am pleased that they depict Jake as a “sweaty-pitted homunculus,” who, regardless of the veracity of his allegations, lacks dignity and honor. It may be a small victory, but until Hulu releases my own documentary series, A Man Unsoaped, it will have to sustain me.