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Subject: A Pleasant Surprise
Well, well, well! It sure is great to hear from a former student of Sycamore Middle. How’s life? How’s the career? Don’t tell me…you’re doing amazing aren’t you? Golly, I sure hope so.
Unless this is some sort of street lingo I need to brush up on, I think you may have accidentally contacted me. LOL! That’s alright though, I’ve got time. All I’ve got is time.
I’m going to take this as an opportunity to establish a line of communication. It’s been a tough year on your old pal Mr. Howard. You have no idea because you’ve gone off into the world with reckless abandon in your heart and knowledge in your head. Most days I hear the email notification and think “Another angry parent? That's the fifteenth today! It's not even noon. Where are my happy pills?” etc.
Never someone to listen to my problems.
We are always looking for guest speakers! Just say the word! Looks like we’ve got ourselves one of these “happy accidents” (see: Bob Ross).
Vice Principal Julian Harold
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Subject: Guest Speaker?! It’s Yours
Never thought I’d see someone jump at the chance to be guest speaker! And from a former student! Wow! Most students I meet after graduation is when I’m asked to identify their body at the morgue. I said “Just say the word” and I guess that word is “pAij.”
Again I need to brush up on my urban vernacular, but that must mean “Count me in Vice Principal Julian! You’re a cool cat!” and to that I say aw shucks. I’m tickled.
While I’ve got your ear, we are fundraising. Send me another message and I’ll put you down for $2,000 to go toward reconstruction of the gymnasium bleachers after last year’s riot that broke out at the bullying seminar.
Like I said, you really can’t get anyone to agree to speak at your school anymore when the last guy who did it was hanged by a mob on the basketball hoop and then repeatedly dunked on. They never let you forget it.
We could also use a helping hand to scrub out the bloodstains after the supernatural school shooting (think Carrie) last May. Some of the parents that originally signed up dropped out to seek professional help so slots have opened up!
The Bunsen burner massacre you probably heard about in the news is also seeking a willing participant that has either seen war or has acute short term memory loss. We’ve given up on our search for a blind chimney sweep to come in and remove the black dust that used to be students, clinging to every surface of classroom 221.
Speaking of, if you were thinking of doing a fire safety demonstration, I’d advise against it. They know the importance of fire safety, it’s burned into their memory and quite literally into their skin. They get a fire safety demonstration when they see their charcoal features in the mirror every morning while painfully struggling to brush their teeth or when a child cries at their appearance, forcing them to leave the room.
Looks like this year's bid for Sycamore Wildebeest's Wall of Fame is going to be close (I’ll put in a good word for you!).
Friendly adult hugs,
Vice Principal Julian Harold
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Subject: Your Generosity Brings Me To Tears!
Vice Principal Robert,
I thought you’d never ask. Of course you can have my job! Your part about “VPVPVPV” was so clearly constructed and understood for your demand to be Sycamore High’s first female Vice Principal that for a moment it quieted all the voices in my head. You’ve really outdone yourself. I’m going to forward all my mail and emails to your addresses so we can get this thing underway.
As new Vice Principal, you have all my soul-crushing responsibilities and access to the teacher’s lounge that we playfully called “the foxhole” until the day we had to use it as one. So now we call it “the dugout” like a baseball team! Hard to corrupt that now isn’t it?
It looks like my luck has turned around and given my bad luck a kick in the pants. You can’t do anything about either because it’s too late, I have it in writing and I’m already printing off 100 copies.
If you need me, I’ll be waiting outside the studios where they tape Wheel of Fortune so I can mug someone with cruise tickets to Bermuda. This must be the divine intervention that they keep telling me at the meetings.
God is alive,
Julian “Bermuda or Bust!” Harold