401K: A penny jar where you put pennies until you reach four hundred one thousand dollars. Once you reach four thousand one hundred dollars you graduate. It's on your desk the first day of work and you put one penny in it every day! Then it's picture time so building knows what you look like and then nap time in lactation room. Mom gives you juice box for good work when you come home.
Health Benefits: You go to the nurse and it's free! She gives you lollipop when you leave and 6 pats on back for good job not crying over bill. Sometimes bill a lot of money and doctors don't take quarters or tears. You're big boy now! This a dog eat dog world and Mom says rich capitalisms don't care if you're sick and need insulin.
Dental and Vision: Bleh! We don't like eye doctor or dentist! They stick the thing in mouth and say spit and mom doesn't pay for it? Why would you go, that's gross! Company pays for visits because company hates you. You have candy stuck in braces and feel embarrassed when Debra from HR insists you go to dentist so you go to dentist and they take off braces and scrap skittles off teeth just so you get MORE CAVITIES?! Debra's a bully. I don't like Debra.
Friday Lunch: They give you lunch so you happy about working all the time. You get a pizza party at end of every week for doing good job that makes you tired! We like Friday because then we don't have to pack yucky lunch from home or make mac n' cheese in office microwave set fire to place. No one angry with you on Friday because no fire! Then it weekend and we too tired to do fun things like finger paint and eat twigs so we sleep all weekend.
Commuter Benefits: We ride train or bus to work every day! It so fun it go choo choo and people cough the entire time. Company pay for you to get sick on the public wheely mobiley then you get other people in office sick because too scared to take off! Only limited time off so we sit at desk and go to nurse at lunch down street and nurse make us cry because Money.
Life Insurance: When you die, they pay Mom for good job she did raising you! You'll never die unless dentist kills you but IF you do, employer pays. They give you money for going to heaven where you throw rocks down at people who hurt your feelings while you were alive! Grandma and Grandpa are there too. Grandpa and Grandma still say hurtful things about people who don't look like you in heaven and you still don't really understand why they hate them.
Performance Bonus: More money for TOYS!!!!!
“Casual Work Environment”: The place you go to school to work until you die tries to make itself prettier than it is! They have cool swingy chairs and ping pong but no recess. You look at ping pong and want to play but no touch. Jean day every day! Debra dresses in clothes from “Zara” and looks down at you when you walk by in sweatshirt every day, but you don't care! When you're in heaven you throw rocks at her because she bully!