A quiet night in with 60 or more Roman Senators – Don’t overthink it! If she’s a down-to-earth type, all she wants on March 15 is a cozy evening surrounded a little too closely by 60 of her friends from the Ancient Roman Senate.

23 stab wounds – Has she been hinting at spicing things up a bit? Upon receiving her affirmative consent, consider stabbing her 23 times. It’ll leave her breathless.

A getaway to Gaul, for conquering purposes – If she’s been itching to get out and expand her domain, you can’t go wrong buying her a plane ticket and encouraging her to wage as many Gallic Wars as her heart desires.

Centralized control over the Roman Republic – Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you let her get herself! Take a step back and watch with loving pride as she meticulously destroys the political foundations of the Eternal City.

You begging her not to go into work that day, for you have dreamt of her demise – The talk around town is that she’s about to be brutally assassinated, but it means more when the concern comes from you. Jostle her awake on the morning of March 15 and use everything in your power to convince her not to go to work. She’ll ignore you, but she’ll really love that you tried.

A self-titled Shakespearean drama – I mean c’mon, do we have to spell this one out?

Multiple honors bestowed by the Senate – You know what they say: frivolous Senatorial honors are a girl’s best friend! She’ll claim it’s too much, but really this is all part of her masterful martyr-esque plan, so play your part, bucko.

Potentially some body armor – Sometimes, she’s just not in the mood (to be murdered)! Let her know you totally respect that by buying her some comfy chainmail and re-writing history.

Scholars and historians bickering over her final words – The gift that keeps on giving. While she’s bleeding out in the Theater of Pompey, shoot her a wink and spread those rumors, baby. If she were alive to see your handiwork, you’d totally be getting some tonight.

To bequeath her title and riches upon her grandnephew and adoptive son, who eventually fulfills the legacy she began – A bit cliché, but that never hurt anyone.

Partially suspected betrayal – So what if she guesses what you got her? She wouldn’t have made such a big deal of dismissing the effectiveness of the Senate and stoking support among the populace if she didn’t want at least a small backstabbing from her closest coworkers.

To try a Triumvirate – The two of you have fun, but have you ever thought about looking for a third? Have Pompey over for a drink one night, and you’ll all be making sweet, sweet alliances in no time.


More Like This...