“Where’s Logan? I don’t see her anywhere!”

Nice try, but you’re shit at hiding. 80% of your body is still showing. You’re behind the chair. And the chair is rattan.

“Green beans are delicious. Mama loves green beans!”
I loathe green beans, but I paid $6.99 for these organic, free-range bullshits, so the one of us with no agency is going to eat them. And that’s you.

“If you don’t take a nap, it will never be snacktime.”
Your lack of sleeping will not disrupt the time-space continuum, but you better believe if I’m not getting a shower, you’re not getting a cheese stick.

“The park is sleeping right now.”
While I understand the allure of the slide the first 17 times, the next 274 seem excessive.

“Good job, baby! You won!”
Not even close. Your race times are slow and your game skills are weak. Unless the game is shitting your pants moments after you’ve been changed. You’re a champion at that.

“All the oranges are gone. From our house. From the planet. From this moment forward, oranges cease to exist. I am truly sorry.”
I am not sorry. You’re 13 months old and you’ve eaten enough oranges for a lifetime. I have an entire bag of oranges in the fridge, but you’re cut off. Live a little. Try a kiwi.

“Daddy should be home any second.”
This lie is more for me than it is for you.

“The cat is sleeping right now. Use your quiet voice.”
He’s not, but he’s 107 in people years. Stop screaming in his face.

“Sorry, baby. This is just for adults.”
Can I enjoy as much as a scone without you begging at my feet like a pack of feral dogs in Mexico City? Jesus Fucking Christ.

“I can’t wait to hang up this amazing picture of, what is it? A car? Oh, a horse. My mistake.”
This is immediately going in the trash when you turn 5.

“Mommy is sleeping right now.”
Hahahahahaha! Imagine that?!