December 1: A death certificate for the koala you sponsored in Australia.

December 2: An IOU for $20 from General Soleimani.

December 3: A roll of toilet paper.

December 4: Your forgotten sourdough starter, which is now sentient and craves human flesh.

December 5: The last blueberry muffin Souplantation ever baked.

December 6: A six-foot long Social Distance Candy Cane™.

December 7: A decadent chocolate truffle with a raspberry drizzle, and live murder hornet core.

December 8: A list of donations you made in February to Bernie Sanders.

December 9: A scripted letter from the DNC thanking you for your donations to Bernie Sanders, which are theirs now.

December 10: Another book about anti-racism written by [insert white author here].

December 11: The audiobook of a new holiday children's classic: “Mike Bloomberg Got Run Over by an Elizabeth Warren.”

December 12: Santa's naughty list of Democrat-controlled cities and states where the most egregious instances of police brutality take place (uh oh; it's long).

December 13: A Zoom link to the 2021 Tokyo Olympics.

December 14: A meeting with Quibi executives to pitch your own show.

December 15: Fiiiive golden ventilators.

December 16: The decapitated head of a Confederate general statue, wrapped in tinsel.

December 17: Your mail-in ballot, returned and uncounted because your write-in candidate was “make it stop.”

December 18: A memory purge of every Zoom date you went on.

December 19: Amy McGrath's consolation snowglobe, empty, but valued at $88 million.

December 20: The beta version of the “Toobin Tug,” a Zoom extension that automatically shuts off your camera if it detects movement below the waist.

December 21: A fastidious guide to ballot-counting procedures in NV, AZ, GA, and PA.

December 22: A hike in the woods with President Lukashenko of Belarus—an exclusive Airbnb experience.

December 23: Ho Ho Ho! A 12-month subscription to Jacob Wohl's OnlyFans.

December 24: Original copy of Donald Trump's 2020 concession speech, unused and in mint condition.


MORE LIKE THIS