Identify What Job You Want

Make a list of things you would like to do for a living. If you’re not sure what to do, walk into any random business or building and see if you like what they do. Snoop around file cabinets, open laptops, and garbage bins. You never know what you might learn or find.

Assess Your Skills

You need to know if you’re qualified to do the job you want. If you want to be a chiropractor, for example, ask a friend if they’ll let you crack their back or yank on their neck with one of those horrifying harnesses. If you hear a loud crack and nobody dies, maybe it’s the job for you.

Research Potential Employers

It’s important to check on the culture of a company you’re interested in by stalking their employees. Wait outside businesses and take notes on everyone’s facial expressions and demeanor as they leave for the day. Notice if they seem happy to leave their workplace like a normal human or if they love their workplace culture so much that they camp overnight.

Find a Mentor

Once you know what you want to do, find someone else who’s doing it and copy every single thing that person did. Rummage through their closets and dressers to find out what size and brand of clothing they wear. Then adjust your diet and workout routine, get hair transplants, and schedule intense plastic surgery to look exactly like them.

Practice Interviewing

Have a friend ask you ridiculous questions so you won’t be taken off guard during a real interview. The most popular question during interviews is “Who are you?” The best answer is usually your name, but just in case, check with someone who’s currently employed.

Always send thank-you letters to the interviewers once you’re done interviewing. However, snail mail just won’t cut it. If you’ve done your stalking homework you should have amassed a lot of personal details about them, so send them a text or leave a note on their car. Better yet, if they have school-age children, drop a nice note in one of their kids’ lunch boxes.

Work on Your Elevator Pitch

This is your “pitch” that you give in an elevator to a potential employer in hopes that they’d hire you. To get the most out of this, you must practice in an elevator. Head to a nearby hotel and spend several hours running through your pitch while riding in one. Don’t forget to practice while going up and down. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet some CEOs on vacation.

Write a Ton of Targeted Resumes

To create a targeted resume, copy and paste the entire job description onto your resume and then Photoshop a huge red arrow pointing directly at your picture. This shows initiative.

Then make a ton of them. The average sheet of paper weighs about 4.5 grams, so to literally make one ton of resumes, you’ll need to make about 200,000. If that seems like a lot, it’s because it is. Try to free up some time by not binging so many reruns of The Office.

Ask for Help

If you need a job, ask for help. This one was easy.

Network, Network, Network!

You basically need to know everyone, so your networking skills better be fast AF. Your recently changed appearance is sure to be a conversation starter, so use that to help break the ice.

Acronym, Acronym, Acronym!

Whenever applying for jobs and networking online, you need to make sure you’re doing everything you can so the resume bots on LinkedIn and Indeed will find you more easily. Start by putting these acronyms after your name: MBA, PSP, MSG, SHPR, PIMP, CS1+, CSI, HMFIC.

Don’t Get Discouraged

Remain positive, and keep on stalking potential employers. Someone is bound to offer you a job eventually, especially if they mistake you for your mentor.