Age 6: Eats food that has fallen on the floor despite not having developed a fully-functional immune system.
Age 60: Thinks every surface contains enough E. coli bacteria to send one to the hospital and into the tentacles of an antibiotic-resistant super bug.

Age 6: Loves taking trips by plane and thinks taking off is the most fun part.
Age 60: Doesn’t enjoy flying anymore, but, when necessary, thinks the most fun part is when the engines don’t disintegrate during take-off.

Age 6: Thinks the colors in The Wizard of Oz are awesome, especially the poppy fields leading up to the Emerald City.
Age 60: Suspects the yellow brick road is paved with big pharma money, and the poppy nap is ground zero for the onset of the opioid crisis.

Age 6: Knows how to add, subtract, and multiply people on social media accounts.
Age 60: Doesn’t understand why using whiteout won’t delete an ex on Facebook.

Age 6: Believes adding more sugar makes everything taste better.
Age 60: Adds salt to everything to make the taste detectable.

Age 6: Tends to tell a lie to avoid punishment after being caught misbehaving.
Age 60: Lies because it’s part of corporate policy as stated in the non-disclosure agreement required when accepting the job.

Age 6: Prefers movies featuring aliens, robots and zombies all fighting each other until the world comes to an end.
Age 60: Witnesses that scenario every day in Washington, DC and, therefore, would rather watch any movie starring a golden retriever.

Age 6: Looks forward to getting that first tattoo.
Age 60: Got a chest tattoo in Mexico 35 years ago and didn’t realize gravity would eventually cause it to migrate south of the border.

Age 6: Wants to dress as a superhero on Halloween.
Age 60: Wants to address the pay disparity between Wonder Woman and Superman and hopefully level the battlefield.

Age 6: Knows everything and is, therefore, smarter than the entire adult population.
Age 60: Has forgotten more than the average 6-year-old probably knows.

Age 6: Hangs out with members of the same gender, because boys think girls have cooties and girls think boys are stupid.
Age 60: Will put up with cooties and stupidity just to have a social life.

Age 6: Likes to show off by trying to pull off risky stunts.
Age 60: Has given up participating in most sports until Medicare kicks in and picks up the tab for injury-related surgery.

Age 6: Misinterprets song lyrics but makes plausible substitutions.
Age 60: Still sings “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” using the misheard line “The girl with colitis goes by.”

Age 6: Talks too much to Alexa without realizing conversations are being stored in the cloud.
Age 60: Had the same experience with a pet cockatoo back in the day.

Age 6: Abandons “magical thinking” but insists unicorns are real.
Age 60: Doesn’t know why unicorns became a thing, considering they’re just re-imagined rhinos with lipstick.

Age 6: Has pastel-colored hair to stand out in a crowd.
Age 60: Spends $10 monthly to ensure ID theft protection and anonymity.

Age 6: Tries not to smile on school picture day because of missing front teeth.
Age 60: Tries not to smile in photos because of crumbling infrastructure and/or a bridge collapse.

Age 6: Enjoys interacting with exotic animals at the petting zoo.
Age 60: Interacts with a menagerie of pets now needed for companionship, emotional support and motivation.

Age 6: Wants to someday live on the moon, where people are weightless and can float around.
Age 60: Wants to someday live on an island, where peace and quiet take atoll.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.