Age 6: Eats food that has fallen on the floor despite not having developed a fully-functional immune system.
Age 60: Thinks every surface contains enough E. coli bacteria to send one to the hospital and into the tentacles of an antibiotic-resistant super bug.

Age 6: Loves taking trips by plane and thinks taking off is the most fun part.
Age 60: Doesn’t enjoy flying anymore, but, when necessary, thinks the most fun part is when the engines don’t disintegrate during take-off.

Age 6: Thinks the colors in The Wizard of Oz are awesome, especially the poppy fields leading up to the Emerald City.
Age 60: Suspects the yellow brick road is paved with big pharma money, and the poppy nap is ground zero for the onset of the opioid crisis.

Age 6: Knows how to add, subtract, and multiply people on social media accounts.
Age 60: Doesn’t understand why using whiteout won’t delete an ex on Facebook.

Age 6: Believes adding more sugar makes everything taste better.
Age 60: Adds salt to everything to make the taste detectable.

Age 6: Tends to tell a lie to avoid punishment after being caught misbehaving.
Age 60: Lies because it’s part of corporate policy as stated in the non-disclosure agreement required when accepting the job.

Age 6: Prefers movies featuring aliens, robots and zombies all fighting each other until the world comes to an end.
Age 60: Witnesses that scenario every day in Washington, DC and, therefore, would rather watch any movie starring a golden retriever.

Age 6: Looks forward to getting that first tattoo.
Age 60: Got a chest tattoo in Mexico 35 years ago and didn’t realize gravity would eventually cause it to migrate south of the border.

Age 6: Wants to dress as a superhero on Halloween.
Age 60: Wants to address the pay disparity between Wonder Woman and Superman and hopefully level the battlefield.

Age 6: Knows everything and is, therefore, smarter than the entire adult population.
Age 60: Has forgotten more than the average 6-year-old probably knows.

Age 6: Hangs out with members of the same gender, because boys think girls have cooties and girls think boys are stupid.
Age 60: Will put up with cooties and stupidity just to have a social life.

Age 6: Likes to show off by trying to pull off risky stunts.
Age 60: Has given up participating in most sports until Medicare kicks in and picks up the tab for injury-related surgery.

Age 6: Misinterprets song lyrics but makes plausible substitutions.
Age 60: Still sings “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” using the misheard line “The girl with colitis goes by.”

Age 6: Talks too much to Alexa without realizing conversations are being stored in the cloud.
Age 60: Had the same experience with a pet cockatoo back in the day.

Age 6: Abandons “magical thinking” but insists unicorns are real.
Age 60: Doesn’t know why unicorns became a thing, considering they’re just re-imagined rhinos with lipstick.

Age 6: Has pastel-colored hair to stand out in a crowd.
Age 60: Spends $10 monthly to ensure ID theft protection and anonymity.

Age 6: Tries not to smile on school picture day because of missing front teeth.
Age 60: Tries not to smile in photos because of crumbling infrastructure and/or a bridge collapse.

Age 6: Enjoys interacting with exotic animals at the petting zoo.
Age 60: Interacts with a menagerie of pets now needed for companionship, emotional support and motivation.

Age 6: Wants to someday live on the moon, where people are weightless and can float around.
Age 60: Wants to someday live on an island, where peace and quiet take atoll.

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