Best Original Script: The text I sent the guy I matched with on Hinge saying, “ugh I’m really sorry my roommate has a *cough* I don't think I can make it to the bar tonight, it's just not a good idea right now.”

Best Picture: Picture 3,002 I took of my dog after placing him at my laptop to look like HE’s working LOL.

Best Actress: My roommate when I ask her to make a *cough* sound in the background when I'm on the phone with that guy I bailed on.

Best Actor: My guy friends when I ask them if they know what’s going on in Portland.

Best Director: Me when I take a picture of a good protest sign and angle it in the third pane of the frame.

Best Original Music & Lyrics: The sweet refrain of my coworkers saying “you’re on mute.”

Best Limited Series: The week where I jogged four times.

Best Drama Series: The life and death of my first houseplant. A resolute work of art unwilling to let the viewer off the hook. Plant, you didn’t deserve this ending.

Best Sound Mixing: When I hit the motherfucking snooze button baby, she's late to her online job again!!

Best Costume Design: My coworker when he figured out he could be balls out from the waist down.

Best Foreign Film: When my boss tells me to speak up in meetings, sorry can’t, don't understand what’s happening.

Best Unstructured Reality Program: My life 5pm Friday – 9am Monday.

Best Structured Reality Program: The fake minimalist zoom background I used to cover up the fact that my bed is also my kitchen.

Best Competition Program: Siri when she tells me my screen time is up 750% to last year.

Best Variety Talk Series: The standing therapy sessions I have with that one friend about the state of the world instead of seeing an actual therapist.

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series: The cat who I see in my yard sometimes, who are you? Where are you from? Where do you go?

Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: The gynecologist when she asks if I’ve been safe—no I have not been safe, ‘tis why I’m here right now Gwen.

Best Horror: The waking nightmare that is what my camera lens has to see every day.

Best Documentary: My food diary, an unflinching look at a non-chef’s attempt at nourishment.

Best Makeup: The full beat I did for the guy who did not attend the friends-from-college Zoom.

Best Set Design: The million dollar white marble kitchen my boss sat in while firing me for budget cuts.

Best Comedy Series: Me, adding “storytelling” to my list of LinkedIn skills.


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