Listen to the dramatic reading by Thomas Eggleston:

Measles Mixer: Combine one part infection, two parts good friends, infinite parts trust in your immune system, and stir.

Mumps MORP: Girls ask guys in this casual event that will have you swallowing back both excess saliva and laughter. (Great chance for exposure to “the kissing disease” too.)

Whooping Cough Coffeeklatch: An afternoon affair with rolls, coffee, and possible bluing of the skin from deoxygenation. Pertussis, but caffeinated.

Rubella Reception: Oktoberfest themed, with (root) beer, drindls, and red splotchy rashes for all.

Swine Flu Pig Roast: Plan a backyard luau with your closest anti-vaxx friends. Make sure to slice off a hearty slab of pork from the spit before the diarrhea stars.

Hepatitis A Hootenanny: Find an authentic backyard stream and take a big ole drink. Then, enjoy an old-fashioned barn dance, complete with banjo, and dance until you drop and your eyes turn yellow.

Fifths Disease Fête: Perfect for the classy under-five set. Dress your toddlers in their finest and expose them to (germ) culture.

SARS Sleepover: Download some classic movies, pop in a frozen pizza, and enjoy this new respiratory illness. You won’t be able to tell if the muscle pain and shortness of breath is from the disease or from laughing so hard!

Cholera Clambake: Bring the third world to the first world with an authentic Northeastern clambake. Old Bay Seasoning, fresh seafood, and infected water.

Bubonic Plague Masquerade: Don’t let a little acral gangrene keep you from hosting the hottest party of the season. Cutest costume ideas include historical Plague doctor, rat, and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

(Note: Smallpox Séance was removed after too many spirits of children who died from the disease kept sucking up all the airtime. Sorry!)