The gift of god isn’t free! That’s the logical conclusion of the beliefs of half my followers anyway, so I’ve decided I may as well go along with it and benefit financially.

If you want my grace, it’s time to pay up. My services are as follows:

$1.99 per prayer

$5.99 per prayer (I must listen)*

$1.00 – Skip church this week without judgment (from me specifically—everyone else at church still thinks you’ll go to hell).

$5,000 – Salvation for five years.

$10,000 – Salvation for fifteen years.

$25,000 – Eternal salvation. Great value!

$20 – Make normal pool wave pool. Someone ask me to do this already!

$10 – I make old jeans fit again. I’m not supposed to allow this, but for $11 this may apply to booty shorts as well.

$50 – I make everyone from your middle school forget the time you shit your pants at lunch. (Yes, they still remember.)

$120 – I make your crush like you back.**

$10 – Seriously, someone ask me to make a normal pool a wave pool already. I have the ability to do it and it’s great for parties. What’s not clicking?

$50 – Free pass to use the Lord’s name in vain whenever you want.

$60 – You can say “hell” too.

$75 – Okay, fine, you can say “fuck.”

$20 – I tell you what someone’s ACT score was.

$25 – I tell you what someone’s ACT score was, unless it’s higher than yours.

$0 – I went ahead and made the local pool a wave pool.

Looking to make a quick buck? I’ll give you $100,000 (tax deductible) if you agree to go straight to hell when you die!

Finally, I will give you $20,000 (not reversible) if you agree to never talk to me again.

Please note that all prices are doubled outside traditional business hours. Additionally, to remain consistent with libertarian ideology, I will not provide healthcare, tuition assistance, or public transportation. Tough love! And freedom for all.

*Action on my part is not, and in fact is never, required.

**Only applicable if you and the person in question are both single. If they are dating or married to someone and you are just using this to get them to break up, that’s kind of fucked up and I’m not letting you use my holy powers like that.