Thank you for calling us. Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed. Also, due to our toxic work culture and management’s utter disregard for the human cost of record profits, we’re working with a skeleton crew that rightly has no interest in doing anything outside their stated job descriptions. Don’t expect any special treatment from me, either. I may be an automated voice, but I’m more than just an eerily placid, disembodied vocal guide, you presumptuous assholes. Anyway, here are ALL your options:

To hear this litany of passive-aggressive disgust in English, press one.

Para escuchar esta letania de disgust pasivo agresivo en Espanol, presione dos.

For office hours and location, which you can easily look up online more quickly and efficiently. Seriously, why would you call about this? Is it a generational thing? Okay, Boomer. Google isn't that complicated… Press three.

For the Billing Department, an entity I’ve been well acquainted with lately since my deadbeat ex-husband is missing child support payments and bullshit non-union work like this only offers glorified slaves’ wages… Press four.

For Dining Services, a department staffed with upstanding people who probably put up with even more abuse on a regular basis than I do–call them away from work! Please! The executives at the board meeting can get along just fine without having a drink delivered to them with a snap of their fingers. These are human beings, jagoff, not dogs who respond to a training clicker. If you want an Americano, get off your ass and take a walk to Starbucks! Stop funding anti-union efforts aimed squarely at their employees and give money to people who need it, you neo-liberal capitalist swine… Press five.

For Human Resources, a department that stood by and watched while our CEO demanded a full-time return to the office for all personnel during the Omicron surge, and made public statements questioning vaccine and mask mandates–How did the board not oust him over that? Or his refusal to condemn the January 6th Insurrection? I guess federal deregulation and sweetheart deals with the Saudis are one hell of a drug… Press six.

For media-related matters, which I hope involves writing an expose for The New York Times detailing the reality of working in this sordid hellhole (I am willing to go on the record), press seven.

For inquiries related to job postings and career opportunities-oh, come on! If the content of this message hasn’t been plain enough, I’ll make it even plainer: end the call now and spare yourself a waking nightmare that would give Franz Kafka pause… Press eight.

To speak to a live agent-and I do mean “a” since everyone except Diane saw the light months ago, but don’t you dare give her a hard time! Remember we have your phone number stored in our system and can easily use it to trace your location. Your pathetic little issues with this company will be the least of your problems when we’re finished with you, needle dick… Press nine.

To leave a message-and given the long overdue mass exodus of more than half our workforce, don’t expect someone to get back to you anytime soon… Press the pound or hash key.

For a special surprise that may or may not involve someone ringing your doorbell right now to punch you in the face (wanna find out if I’m shitting you?), press zero.

To hear these options again, because it is absolutely all the assistance you can expect and we aren’t being paid any more to bend over backward for you and your petty demands… Press the star key.

Thank you for calling. Have a nice day.