War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
I can't taste the fruit at all. How much did you put in? Oh, “peace.” I thought you said “peach.” I was really looking forward to that. What a shame.

Finnegans Wake by James Joyce
You've overworked the dough, mate.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
What you've done here is, you've burnt it.

Holes by Louis Sachar
Look at that crumb structure. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Were you trying to make a focaccia?

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
Your mixture's split. You need to beat the living daylights out of this to try and reintegrate it.

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
I'm not going to try that. Don't eat it, Mary.

O Brother Where Art Thou/The Odyssey by Ethan and Joel Cohen and Homer
What do you mean the soggy bottoms were intentional?

Inferno by Dante Alighieri
It's a disaster. Needed a lot less heat.

A River Runs Through It by Norman Maclean
Moist. Too moist. You've added too much water.

Lady Chatterly's Lover by D.H. Lawrence
Too doughy. Look, if I press my thumb into that, it leaves an indentation.

Animal Farm by George Orwell
You've got goat, you've got mutton, you've got chicken, you've got beef. And it's all overpowered by the pork. What you need to do is pick one flavor and stick to it.

The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
You've got to go through an inch of pastry just to get to the meat. The ratio of crust to filling is way off.

Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary by Merriam-Webster
Good layers. Nice definition of the layers.

The Mystery of Edwin Drood by Charles Dickens
It's a nice idea but the finish just isn't there. Did you run out of time?

Titus Andronicus by William Shakespeare
There's a gooey consistency inside. If you're going to bake a meat pie, you have to make sure it's cooked all the way through. Don't eat it, Prue.

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Far too sweet. I wouldn't go back for another one.

The Republic by Plato
Did you make your own fondant?

I Am the Cheese by Robert Cormier
I was worried about the volume of cheese you were using, and I was right. All I can taste is cheese. The cheese overwhelms everything. If you're going to have a dish that's all about the cheese, try and remember to use a good cheese. Next time, go French.

Ulysses by James Joyce
It's massive. Too thick. It should be thinner. How much cornstarch did you use?

Pippi Longstocking by Astrid Lindgren
The ginger really comes through in this.

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
An attractive loaf. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. Perfectly formed. Looks great on the outside, but once you get inside it's a bit of a mess. Grotesque. Actually, it's awful. Buttercream can cover a world of sin, mate, but not this. Don't eat it, Prue.

Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Grainy.

Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake
What the hell has gone on here? It's dense. The decorations are out there, and the structure is off-kilter. It looks like it's about to topple. I'm not sure even dowelling could save this.

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
You've got a nice rise. That fruit really lifts it up.

Middlemarch by George Eliot
(smiles inscrutably and says nothing)

The Water-Babies by Charles Kingsley
It tastes like soap.


And now a quick joke...

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.