Many articles have been written to help Earthlings feel better about the current state of their world. However, no articles have been written to help extraterrestrials pretending to be Earthlings feel better about the current state of their world, and frankly, we are offended.

It can be easy to feel disconnected, isolated, or not like yourself during a global emergency on a planet so far from your own. Here are eight easy tips to feel more “human” during the COVID-19 pandemic.

1. Get Dressed Every Morning – Even if you don’t expect to be in public, remember to put on your human skin suit every morning. Humans are nosy creatures, so to avoid being potentially exposed, always remember to dress fully every morning (two arms, two legs, no exposed tendrils) no matter how uncomfortable it is for your cephalopod form.

2. Avoid the Media – Human media may help you understand the extremely limited human emotional range, the human sense of misplaced ego, and the propensity for humans to believe false information, but there is a severe lack of truth and intelligence in the media. Do not be distracted.

3. Keep Things in Perspective – Humans have no concept of time beyond their limited lifespans and their simple brains cannot process the intricacies of space-time or dimension-jumping. It is also comforting to remind yourself that Earth is insignificant compared to the billions of planets and creatures in the universe.

4. Remember, We’re in This Together – If you feel stuck here, remind yourself that at any given time there are 45 different intergalactic species visiting Earth as well. Tragically, many of those life forms also cannot return to their home planets currently due to COVID-19 travel restrictions.

5. Stay Connected to Friends and Family – If you are currently imitating a human with a portable computer, use a basic 2D video service like Zoom to exchange pleasantries with your human cohorts for a sense of familiarity and camaraderie occasionally. However, keep an eyestalk on your 2D video background to make sure your “Catalogued Creatures of Earth” display is not visible, otherwise you will most certainly get questions about the frozen Red Panda you’re in the process of dissecting.

6. Keep a Healthy Social Distance – Most humans will respect a six-foot distance, unless you were placed in a location like Los Angeles, California, USA; Chicago, Illinois, USA; or New York City, New York, USA; all places occupied by fewer intelligent humans who fail to adhere to rules set by their authorities. Social distancing is also important in case your thorax juice begins to excrete from your human skin suit; you don’t want humans asking about the bright green liquid pooling at your “feet.”

7. Take Care of Yourself by Eating Well – With the absence of humans in public, many animals that have stayed away from cities are now roaming free. Which means you can hunt and eat pigeons, deer, monkeys, elephants, or any other animals wandering into your research zone or “neighborhood.” These are not usually human food but can be a good opportunity to try forbidden delicacies. Do not eat humans.

8. Continue to Enjoy Life – Fighting this pandemic may be out of your control, but remember, you’re here for a purpose. That purpose is to research and catalog human behaviors, earn the trust of high-ranking officials, infiltrate their basic forms of government, and eventually conquer Earth and harvest human bodies for fuel in the quest for domination of the Milky Way Galaxy. But that mission is a marathon, not a sprint, and you still need to enjoy life’s everyday moments.

Remember, this is only temporary, and time flies when you’re using a 24-hour Earth clock. You got this!


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