“If Joe Biden’s elected, he’ll end fracking. … That would be the end of my job and thousands of others.”  —Washington Post, “Trump campaign promotes false claim that Biden would end fracking


Joe won’t end your socks getting wet on a random puddle of water in your kitchen, that you’ll go ahead and assume is pee. You don’t even have pets and it’s nowhere near the bathroom but still, it’s definitely pee.

Joe won’t end video store rental debt. It’s still out there; you should have returned Dunstin Checks In after family movie night but you forgot, and your judgment is coming.

Joe won’t end the school-to-prison pipeline, and may streamline it by making an actual pipeline where the teachers pull a lever and the State gets free labor that’s somehow constitutional, definitely nothing weird there.

Joe won’t end stores having things you need for sale in inconveniently high places, and you have to ask for a grabber thing for paper towels, or jump and look like an idiot after it falls on your head and you drop it.

Joe won’t end joggers. We get it, it’s healthy and makes your brain have a weird soft orgasm or whatever, congrats, wow you got new pants that help, what’s that app called again, cool, cool, what a valuable use of our finite existences, oh, you prefer podcasts instead of music when you run, fascinating, a seven and four ninths marathon is coming up, are you going to register, oh, you need to do a four and two twelfths first, neat, I too might start running, fast and towards hard objects.

Joe won’t end world music. The music is fine, it’s just the genre title that’s a bit insane, like all music is from this world, right, it’s a bit wild that we call American music “pop” music which is shortened from “popular,” that’s a bit conceited, especially considering how long music's been around and where it originated from, I don’t have a solution either it’s simply a problem that Joe also does not plan on ending.

Joe won’t end office chairs having those wheels that chew up wires. You’ve lost two pairs of headphones to them, and a laptop cord, which aren’t cheap and you always have to order online because stores never sell the right versions of them, so you feel bad ordering from that one place, and when you’re vacuuming around the chairs too somehow when they’re not even rolling around the cord's drawn to it like the ancient sirens.

Joe won’t end gas stations sometimes having bathrooms but sometimes definitely not, with no discernable reason why, even just a sign by their massive gas prices would help, that way you don’t pull over and ask for no reason when you could have just been like, “Oh hey, they don’t have a bathroom I guess I’ll keep looking.”

Joe won’t end the suffocating march of time.

Joe won’t end “fro-yo” spots from popping up and then for two months people are like, “Hey, there’s a new fro-yo spot,” and you’re like, “Yeah, it opened in the old fro-yo spot you guys talked about for two months and then promptly forgot existed.”

Joe won’t end swing dancers. We all know it’s a secret cult for evangelicals to try and seem hip and/or sell fedoras, we haven’t exactly cracked the case fully but we all know there’s something there.

Joe won’t end your eyes tearing up when you cut onions, or people telling you how to make that not happen and then you try it and it doesn’t work and you’re standing in the kitchen with a wooden spoon feeling ashamed for ever trusting the supposed knowledge of elders and now crying for other reasons so maybe it did work.

Joe won’t end young people doing things that people lose their minds over, and won’t shut up about how old they are now because they don’t get it, when in reality cultures evolve and it’s the sign of humanity's enduring creativity because would you rather yo-yo’s get another moment in the national spotlight because that happened, somehow, we had a yo-yo salesmen come to our P.E. class and we had to bring a check from our parents so we could get some, that sounds like a fever dream but it happened, and maybe that’s just what childhood is.

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