• People you have sort of dated.
  • People you have definitely dated.
  • Brother you occasionally talk to when you need something.
  • Sister you occasionally talk to when she needs something.
  • Your uncle’s third ex-wife.
  • Friend who only announces recent breaks from Facebook and subsequent returns to Facebook.
  • Bullies from the 7th grade whom you like to keep tabs on just in case.
  • Best friends from high school whom you have not spoken to since graduation and likely never will.
  • A friend of a friend of a friend of your ex.
  • People who have made a sudden career pivot to real estate.
  • A company that sells cabana shirts, which you’ve been thinking of buying for a few weeks now.
  • A work acquaintance from four jobs ago you once drank with every night for six months and then never heard from again.
  • People you’ve never met who just got engaged. Good for them!
  • Your mother.
  • A spam account posing as your mother after her account got hacked again.
  • In-laws who only comment with passive-aggressive suggestions about having kids.
  • Former neighbor who once coached your little league team and now posts about Alex Jones.
  • An ad for sustainable sneakers, to complement the one for cabana shirts you clicked on earlier.
  • People who always seem to be at Disneyland.
  • People who would definitely know if you blocked them.
  • Complete strangers who know 189 of the same people you do.
  • Someone you suspect was at the insurrection in the US Capitol.
  • Someone you know was at the insurrection in the US Capitol.
  • Just photos of children. Who are these children? Are you supposed to know their parents?
  • Same thing but with dogs. No complaints on this one.
  • A profile whose only content is five straight years of unacknowledged birthday messages.
  • Promotion for adult skateboarding classes after you Googled “How old is Tony Hawk?”—you could wear your new cabana shirt and sneakers to that!
  • 300 Russian bots.

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