…you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people—like that quote on Instagram said.

…you should drink more water.

…you should sleep more.

…you should figure out what the fuck a jade roller is for.

…she won the genetic lottery and you can never hope to be one-eighth as beautiful as she is, but if it’s any consolation you’re probably funnier….

…she actually is just as funny as you, and she doesn’t need to tear down other women to build herself up.

…she’s a better feminist than you.

…she reads the whole New Yorker article instead of giving up after the third paragraph like some people I could mention.

…her perfect fucking cheekbones were designed by Dutch architecture students who wanted to see what would happen if you used tiny delicate little hummingbird bones to create a human face. They graduated with honors and her face has gone on to win many design awards.

…she’s never farted.

…she definitely didn’t audibly pass gas during the vows at her brother's wedding.

…Mrs. Arnerson was right about you.

…it’s the product of a crushing patriarchal system that raises beauty standards for women far beyond what is achievable in order to create a sense of inferiority which results in a more malleable and impressionable consumer base.

…she knows all your secrets.

…if you get into graduate school, the makeup ads that come on before YouTube videos won't make you start to spiral.

…you shouldn’t have applied to grad school—the $70 application fee could have bought you so much amazing makeup.

…it's at least one amazing foundation.

…there’s a masters program that can teach you how to be some kind of YouTube beauty influencer. Or, at least how to find your angles with your phone's front-facing camera.

…she isn’t!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.