Your wife.

Your children.

Your parents.

Your parents’ friends.

Your parents’ close friends.

Your parents’ casual acquaintances, who they always promise to make plans with but never do.

Your parents’ parents, if they’re like, still around.

Your parents’ work colleague who takes two hour lunches and submits his receipts for reimbursement even though they never go through and it’s like, obviously they’re not for work.

Your parents’ favorite author, who is probably John Grisham or something.

Your parents’ favorite professor, I guess, if I’m really doing this.

Your parents’ freshman year RA, who everyone had a crush on but was also clinically depressed.

Your parents’ former junior high drama teacher who directed a super weird modern jazz version of “Antigone.”

Your parents’ local coffee shop barista, Sam.

Your parents’ children, which I guess, is just you. So, I guess this one’s redundant.

Your parents’ first cousin.

Your parents’ second cousins’ grandparents, which are also your grandparents. Wait, no. It would be your grandparents twice removed, which I’m not super clear on their relation to you. Or is it like, your great cousin… hold on, let me figure this out.

Your parents’ primary care physician.

Your parents’ psychiatrist, but not their therapist, because we go to the same one. Dr. Ham on 3rd and Pico, who is excellent.

Your parents’ locally elected official. Local politics are important. Get involved.

Your parents’ neighbor who keeps asking them to come over for dinner, but it’s clear they don’t want to go over for dinner because something happened the last time they hung out and it’s weird now, but they’re out of excuses so eventually, they’re going to have to go over and deal with it. Relationships are hard.

Your parents’ 24-Hour Fitness instructor.

Your parents’ 24-Hour Fitness instructor’s instructor, who goes to Barry’s Bootcamp to workout, which is odd because like if 24-Hour Fitness is so great like they keep saying and they have access to all the classes, why don’t they just work out there? It just doesn’t make sense.

Your parents’ hopes and dreams.

Your parents’ hairdresser Carl… er, I mean, hair stylist. He’s a stylist. I know he’s sensitive about that.

Your parents’ long lost sister, Ellis.

Your parents’ long lost sister Ellis’ friend, Elliot.

Your parents’ long lost sister Ellis’ other friend, Ellen. What is going on?

Your parents’ godmother, who is a very well-respected astro-physicist.

Your parents’ other child, who you never knew about but has been secretly scheming for years to find a way to personally get back at you, and disguised himself as the employer who’s blackmailing you right now and guess, what, surprise, it’s… me.

Oh, wait.


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