Curiosity, not the crushing wheels of your car, killed the cat.

Don’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, but if you did, I’m sure it was an unfortunate accident during crossbow practice.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it, so it’s not really your fault that your neighbor’s horse died of dehydration while you were watching it during their Cancun vacation. You did all you could, cowboy.

There are more ways than one to inadvertently skin a cat.

There are plenty more fish in the sea to replace the ones you killed by screwing up the pH in your fish tank.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, some of whom will inevitably die doing the complicated construction work you’re paying them to do.

When the cat's away, the mice will play in your oven, which you could not possibly have known when you turned it on to bake those pizza rolls.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks like how to dodge the whirling blades of your Snapper 25HP zero-turn riding mower.

You can flog a dead horse, but it will never get up again no matter how goddamn sorry you are. If your neighbors wanted the horse to live, they wouldn’t have stored the rat poison pellets right next to the horse food pellets. How many Cancun vacations can those people possibly take, anyway?

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder a man he calls it ferocity. When a man hits a tiger with his car at the drive-thru safari park, that’s simply an unfortunate accident.

Killing two birds with one stone is highly unlikely to happen again.


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