The Ark of the Covenant – Paper clips. Face-melting angels. Wine corks.

Tomb of Tutankhamen – Extra bandages. Cubit ruler. Hieroglyph-Latin dictionary.

Alexander Hamilton – Extra Federalist paper. Half-dozen Federalist envelopes. Latin-English dictionary, “quid pro quo” circled.

Emily Dickinson – Pen with broken nib. Rhyming dictionary. Mostly empty.

Abe Lincoln – Stovepipe hat brush. Perfectly good used envelopes for jotting speeches on the back of. Beard comb. Railsplitter maul sharpener. Brush used for both hat and beard.

Marie Curie – List of things she discovered, including polonium, radium, and how to kill small talk by bringing up polonium and radium. Perfectly harmless funny rocks that glow. X-ray specs, but not novelty ones. List of extra names in case of more discoveries, including polandamonium, radioactivitumtum, currie powder, and nobelprizenumberthreemium.

Albert Einstein – Pencils. No erasers. Newspaper clippings explaining Relativity in wrong but hilariously wrong ways. Address book of actual relatives. Pipe tobacco, scattered. No brushes.

Surviving Modern Magazines – One password shared by entire staff. Three letters from hedge fund managers interested in ruining everything. Lists of 10 Humorous Things, Number 8 Will Surprise You Because It Will Make You Question If You Have Wandered Into A Different List.

Trump Oval Office – Important papers a normal president would read, unread.

Elon Musk – Cheat sheet from Grimes on how normal people react to things. Spare master kill switch for all Teslas. Black turtleneck just like Steve used to wear. Flamethrower parts. Lighter fluid. Stray rolling papers. Key to basement where original Elon is kept.

Billie Eilish – More bass notes. Unfinished lyrics for song about Bat Guy. Waltz rhythm, never used.

My Mom – English-Emoji dictionary.


Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through five learning modules.