1. What did he have for lunch?

  1. A burrito and some salsa from the back of the fridge with a questionable expiration date.
  2. His lunch began with a protein shake for maximum muscle benefit, followed by a slew of vitamins to tackle vision, hair loss, and bone density. He’s preparing for the adverse effects consumption has on the human digestive system once we’re free of Earth’s gravitational pull.

2. Does he have his phone?

  1. Yes and he’s very active on a group thread about sending things down “The Alaska Pipeline.”
  2. Negative. There’s no 5G in 0g.

3. Has it been a while since he busted a nut?

  1. No no, we hit it this morning.
  2. Does reading about Elon Musk while listening to Grimes count as launching a lug nut into the stratosphere?

4. How long would he say he’s been in there?

  1. He’s on burrito time now. And the burrito demands he stay long enough to watch three of the “most genius” Rick & Morty episodes. (Approximately 45 minutes)
  2. Time is irrelevant in space, since thanks to quantum physics the fourth dimension can be bent to your will with quantum physics. (Approximately 45 minutes)

5. Is there reading material available?

  1. Yes, Open Book by Jessica Simpson. She also has issues with dairy.
  2. Yes, space magazines, scientific texts about the universe, a pamphlet about a physics symposium, and a rough draft of his own unpublished memoir, “Space is Cool! A Hero's Journey Through the Universe.”

6. Can you hear anything?

  1. The hollow sound of an empty toilet paper roll spinning on its axis.
  2. The eerie, mechanical background music of a Christopher Nolan flick. He’s often talked about how Nolan’s interpretation of time in Tenet shows a great understanding of how linear movements can be experienced in a nonlinear world. And while it lacks certain constraints that a true astrophysicist/entrepreneur/time traveler/bitcoin pirate would use to map the actual movement between the past and the future, it’s a solid start—not unlike this BM.

7. Do you smell anything?

  1. Yes, a mix of burnt matches and Yankee Candle’s “Spruce It Up” (limited edition holiday scent).
  2. Maybe? Antimatter has a hard-to-define scent.

8. Have you tried knocking?

  1. Yes, several times.
  2. Yes and after that I gave him a countdown to exit the bathroom. “10!” I shouted. Then, “9….8….7….6….5…..4…3….2….1!” I saw a faint puff of smoke begin to gather at the crack of the bathroom door. The loud rumble of a makeshift spacecraft nearly deafened me. As his spaceship burst through the bathroom ceiling all I could think of were the expensive repairs ahead. I guess it’s easy to flush money down the toilet when you’re leaving Earth.

Mostly A's
He’s dropping a deuce, but for reasons unknown it will never take less than 45 minutes—even in a public space.

Mostly B's
Your little astro-boy has big dreams, but little consideration for the bodily functions of others. One day you’ll open the door to the bathroom and *poof* just like that, he’ll be gone. Maybe he’s taken off into the great void, maybe he’s time traveled to the 1800s, or maybe he just got into meth and now he believes he can find meaning in the universe. The world may never know.