1. Somebody is going to cry today and it’s you.

2. You want someone to listen but not give you honest advice. Be careful what you wish for.

3. Watch your back—most people don’t really like you.

4. Being a disappointment is not a personality. Focus your energy into not being a waste of space.

5. You ever just sit and think about how you talk too much?

6. Be someone’s reason for not committing murder today.

7. Your energy is like Mentos in a Coke bottle and it’s a liability for people to interact with you. Take a chill pill.

8. Change the way you talk to people. Or else.

9. Your life is in shambles but at least you’re the reason most people will laugh today.

10. You often mistake holding people hostage in your conversations for them caring. I dare you to ask someone something about themselves today.

11. Wear your heart on your sleeve and sleep with one eye open.

12. You think you deserve love, but what you truly deserve is to get your shit wrecked.

13. The trouble you’re having at work is because you made a scene by crying on the open work floor. Grow up.

14. Stability is for people whose parents aren’t divorced. Is that understood?

15. What’s your problem? It’s that your trauma stems from something most people could get over after a week.

16. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

17. Do something you’ve never done before, like shutting the fuck up.

18. If you think your friends are avoiding you, it’s probably because you’re literally unbearable. You’ve been warned.

19. Are you backed up? Is it because lately the shit only comes out of your mouth?

20. Answer honestly: are you oversharing because you want people to feel bad for you?

21. You think this is a game?

22. Delusion is the lifeline of optimists and you need a reality check. Try taking a selfie without a filter today.

23. The way you live your life is a cry for help. Don’t push it.

24. Is your phone on airplane mode or does no one care enough to reach out to you? You’re weak and this silence will break you.

25. Consider this your official notice, it’s okay to admit that you’re boring.

26. It would be in your best interest to accept yourself for who you are: needy.

27. The only option you have is to fake it ‘til you make it because the real you is not that interesting.

28. Your feelings aren’t facts and they’re also not valid. Don’t slip up and think otherwise or you’ll end up in tears.

29. Code red, today, you’re not the life of the party, you’re more like a wet sock.

30. They say drunk words are sober thoughts and picking a fight with a loved one reveals how they truly feel about you. Beware.

31. Wake up call: you aren’t living up to your full potential, but it seems like you’re okay with it.

32. You are not for everyone. Consider changing your entire personality.

33. You’re not that special, in fact, you’re very average in danger of being almost completely forgotten.

34. Stop taking advice from apps and get your life together.


1-15, 17-34: Both.
16: Okay, this is just a Liam Neeson quote from
Taken.


Follow PIC on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or good ol' fashioned email.
Get coaching or feedback on your comedy writing from our editors.