1. While doing a forward bend in the local park to perpetually stimulate perpetual youth, you smell…

  1. Doggy breath
  2. Baby poop
  3. Your name being added to a new Slack channel

2. You’re cycling to buy fruit for your homemade smoothie. While thinking about the fact that you don’t have a juicer so will have to bash the strawberries, etc with your 2010-era flip-phone, you spot a being. It looks like they’re wearing a…

  1. Diamond-encrusted body warmer
  2. Rusk-encrusted romper suit
  3. Crustacean-encrusted shower cap

3. During your regular bout of forest bathing aka nature therapy aka woodland purification, an adult whispers a name to the mysterious entity. You think it sounds like…

  1. Tarka
  2. Tarquin
  3. Target Corporation

4. Lunching on a busy boulevard, you suck up a flip-phone-pulverized sandwich through a straw through a hole in your mask. You then reach across for your sick bag and it’s at that moment that you accidentally touch a…

  1. Silky paw
  2. Cutesy bootie
  3. Slack channel that you’ve been silently removed from

5. You’re flossing on the sidewalk (the dance craze, not the oral hygiene routine—2017 was a good year for you) when you suddenly hear a very loud noise. You’re convinced that it’s…

  1. An ungodly bark
  2. A Mephistophelian wail
  3. The Saved by the Bell intro as recomposed by German-British postminimalist composer Max Richter

6. While wandering around, tanked, on a grassy area in front of a bar, you look down and spot a pair of eyes staring back up at you. They’re…

  1. Puppyish
  2. Babyish
  3. Bieberish

7. You’re hoverboarding around the mall while wearing your mask and sunglasses which means your sunglasses steam up and you can barely see the chuffing mall road ahead. But! After shaking off your glasses so that they tumble to the floor and get crushed by your wheels you do see a creature who is chewing/sucking something. If you’re not mistaken, it’s…

  1. A bone
  2. A dummy
  3. Artax the horse’s on-set diary for The NeverEnding Story

8. Meeting a friend for an al fresco coffee, you study the menu and wonder if the café’s smashed avocado also involves the use of a 2010-era flip phone. It’s during this reverie that you spot your friend pushing a stroller. Said friend commits a physical act and you’re pretty sure that it involves…

  1. Stroking the creature’s long, wet nose
  2. Kissing the thing’s small, button nose
  3. Licking the barista’s Slack profile picture nose

Mostly A’s: Beyond any shadow of a doubt, it’s a bowwow.

Mostly B’s: No ifs, ands, or buts, it’s a bambino.

Mostly C’s: Who the fuck knows, but the things Artax had to say about Falkor, that “basic” Luck Dragon! The diaristic side-eye he gave Falkor. The shade.


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