- Acting as if stringing fairy lights up in my dorm room was an original design concept you'd see on the front pages of Architectural Digest.
- Taking my dirty laundry home every break so that my parents would do it for me.
- Hogging the library's only copy of Moby Dick for the entire first semester, but never getting further than chapter two.
- Making my non-improv friends come to my solo improv performance of Moby Dick (based on those first two chapters).
- Being too stoned to honor my trash clean-up duties on Earth Day, but stoned enough to watch the first half of The Matrix without noticing it was dubbed into German.
- Saying I had a question in class when I really just wanted to make a comment.
- Rolling my eyes when other people said they had a question but really just wanted to make a comment.
- Playing “devil’s advocate.”
- Microwaving a croissant because it seemed like a sophisticated food choice, and not a minor fire hazard that would necessitate the attendance of four fire engines and a TV crew.
- Sleeping with Jesse because he was older and had a solid internet connection.
- Sleeping with Chad because he had a nicer apartment.
- Not sleeping enough and being cranky to the RAs.
- Mainlining Mountain Dew so I could stay awake and finish a 10,000-word essay: “Understanding America Through a Close Reading of the First Two Chapters of Moby Dick“.
- Failing to meet the deadline for the 10,000-word essay on Moby Dick because I passed out in the library.
- Choosing English as my major.
- That one time I played flip cup but didn’t realize you were supposed to finish the beer before flipping the cup, thereby spilling beer all over my new dress from Forever 21. And then seeing no other option than sneaking into someone’s room, stealing their clothes, and stuffing my beer-stained dress into their sock drawer.
- Smelling like a mix of Lay's Potato Chips, Victoria's Secret perfume, and Miller Lite for four years straight.
- The remaining $97,667 I owe for my B.A. in English (but for now, I’ll take the $10,000).
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