I.

Shielding unmagical child from knowledge he did not receive invitation letter to magical school.

Hiring MFA student to write magical letter.

(Failing to pay MFA student due to misplaced invoice.)

Hiring falconer to train owl to deliver letter.

Hiring acting coach to train me in Stanislavsky method to better convey surprise upon squib child’s receipt of letter.

Hiring wind ensemble to perform, upon child’s receipt of letter, enchanting musical theme.


II.

Soliciting elite school counseling service to facilitate child’s otherwise impossible entry into wizarding world.

At the suggestion of elite school counseling service:

Making subterranean transfer of 75,000 galleons ($500,000) to Dumbledore’s secure Gringotts vault.

Paying muggle coach to lie about child’s participation in West Coast quidditch team California Dobbys.

Stressing in supplementary essay, child’s love of muggle Filipino caregivers to suggest appreciation for house elves.

Flagrantly bribing wizard admissions during conversations on the hush over butterbeer in Hogsmeade.

Launching and fully funding charitable initiative/construction project: Make Hagrid’s Hut a House.

Giving Snape a lil’ something something.

Doing everything within goddamn power to keep operation secret from Ministry of Magic.

Endowing school so as to make Malfoy Foundation look like a sack of sickles.

Slapping Slytherin family name on repurposed wizard sexual education center, the Shrieking Shack.

Enrolling unmagical child in Kwikspell correspondence course upon continued academic struggles, with no results.

Hiring magical student to take child’s OWL exams (using polyjuice potion).

Surrendering all semblance of integrity.

Splitting soul into horcruxes.


III.

Showing no remorse when summoned before Ministry of Magic.

Signing autographs prior to trial like Gilderoy fuckin’ Lockhart.

Evading Azkaban sentence without casting a spell because of the simple magic of privilege.

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