William Henry Gates II @billgates_sr Bill is not a failure. YOU ARE! Mark my words. I will personally make sure Traf-O-Data is a multi-million-dollar tech company even if I have to personally pay for it. #trafodataisterrific 4:43 p.m. June 10th, 1972 Twitter for Traf-O-Data

IT’S GIRLS TYME! @beyoncedad Really @starsearch? Girls Tyme is way better than Skeleton Crew, who were just caught doing very bad things. DM me for exclusive pics. 11:39 p.m. December 2nd, 1993 Twitter for Motorola Pager

Country King Elvis @thepresleys You wouldn’t know real country talent if it gyrated against your face, @grandoleopry! Elvis is the best country singer on this side of the Mississippi. 12:02 a.m. October 3rd, 1952 Twitter for Rotary Phones

Daddy Baller @jordansproudpapa Seriously @coachpopherring? If Michael isn’t on that varsity roster by Friday, he’s transferring. 6:16 p.m. November 22nd, 1980 Twitter for Super Sized & Slow Computer

Thomas Lincoln @lincolnfamily How dare you fire My Abraham! He just won Best Businessman of the Year. And NO, I did not create that award just for him. 2:00 p.m. April 2nd, 1832 Twitter for Morse Code

LET’S GET STEPHEN A BOOK DEAL! @mrs_king Sign my petition on Change.org: Publish Getting it On Right Now. Stephen DESERVES to see his book in print. 100,000 signatures by noon! #futurebestseller #gettingiton #getonit 12:03 a.m. April 1st, 1972 Twitter for Typewriters

Elias Disney @theDisneyfamily I see you, @editor. You think Walt is ‘way too creative’ to write serious articles? WALT WILL HAVE YOUR JOB WHEN I GET DONE WITH YOU! #deadeditor 3:30 a.m. August 10th, 1919 Twitter for Short Wave Radios

Mrs. Washington @luvmygeorgiepoo Stop criticizing my Georgie. It wasn’t his fault he had to surrender. Everyone knows the Indians cheated. #proudofofficergeorgewashington #bestsoliderever 5:02 p.m. July 4th, 1753 Twitter for Lightning Rods

The Spielbergs @spielbergs25 ATTENTION @universityofsoutherncalifornia! Please review Stevie’s updated admissions package. We forget to include his highest SAT score, ‘actual’ grades, and crew accolades. #callusadmissions #wedonate #futureuscparent 7:00 a.m. May 10th, 1964 Twitter for Touch Tone Phones

Mary @maryvirginmom It’s not my son’s fault miracles didn’t work. You people don’t believe enough! #nazarethnitwits Daybreak 30 AC Twitter for Stone Writing