3 red foam balls

3 lengths of rope, various sizes

1 long length of rope

1 receipt for an actual saw

2 interlocked metal rings

2 unstuck metal rings

1 perfectly symmetrical quarter from 1987

1 quarter with a piece bitten off

1 book, “How to Not Accidentally Saw Someone in Half During a Magic Act,” seemingly unread

1 ordinary can of potato chips, unopened

1 ordinary can of potato chips, opened + 1 very frightening snake made of paper (no potato chips)

1 regular deck of 52 playing cards

1 permanent marker

1 two of diamonds card with my birthday written on it

1 ace of spades card

1 business card that looks like the ace of spades: “Abe Cadabra. Available for birthday parties, bar and bat mitzvahs, old people homes. [email protected]

1 red scarf, 6″ long

1 red/purple/blue/yellow/green/white/orange/red/blue scarf, nearly 30’ long, covered in blood, possibly used as a tourniquet

1 sympathy card that also looks like an ace of spades with the words “Sorry about your grandma”

1 plastic thumb tip with handcuff key

1 poof of smoke… and he’s gone.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.