- Are you always in a bad mood, or does it merely seem that way to the people you know?
- Your resting face just seems to send hostile messages, is all. Are you saying no one has asked about this before?
- Are the annoying traits you have now the same ones that annoyed your parents, siblings, and classmates during your childhood, or do you replace annoying habits every seven years, like skin cells?
- Have you ever really looked at your feet? Your toes, especially. See the stuff gunked around the edges of what we guess are your nails? What is that?
- If some houses look sterile, and some houses look lived in, and some houses look like grisly crime scenes, you can probably guess what everybody thinks your house is. But we want to hear you say it.
- You know those cardboard people that fill stadiums during Covid-19? Would it surprise you to learn that everyone you know was surveyed, and the overwhelming consensus was, at a party, people would rather see a cardboard cut-out of you than you?
- We laugh every time you sing “Money for nothing and your checks for free.” Tell us you didn’t really think those were the words Dire Straits was singing.
- Some people can wear jeans with one skinny leg and one wide leg, fur eyelashes, and platform Crocs and kill it. You make a pullover sweater look like you’ve stepped out wearing roadkill. Does this come naturally, or do you work at it?
- Your high school yearbooks are so pristine! Most yearbooks are just a mess, with scribbles on every page wishing the owner a great life and remembering all the good times, but yours look brand new, as if the yearbook editor had just checked off your name and handed it to you. It’s almost as if you had no friends to sign it. What’s your secret?
- You’re always available when people ask you to do things. Whether you’re needed to supervise plastic dinnerware distribution at a church supper, ladle shredded chicken for the Election Day supper or organize the women's lavatory during the art show, you never even have to consult your phone for fifteen minutes. How do stay so free from social obligations like boring theater dates, dreary fancy dinners, and monotonous four-day casino cruises with 15 of your best friends?
- You don’t seem to mind your hair. Why not?
- Singing is the one thing anyone can do. The idea that some people are good singers and other people should just hum or listen at long last has been criticized as cruel. Don’t you love finally being able to use your voice, no matter what?
- Having the nerve to attend large social gatherings where nobody so much as acknowledges your existence can’t be easy. How do you carry that off time after time the way you do?
- Say you write a book and somehow get it published. What do you say to the bookstore managers who hold book signings for you at which you sit at a table stacked with your books for three hours, waiting for the first customer?
- What advice would you give (a) a young person who wasn’t invited to prom? (b) Someone who can’t pass the driver’s test? (c) A woman who can’t wear jeans and high heels without wobbling down the sidewalk like a drunken giraffe? (d) Someone famous for always having wet spots under her arms? (e) a person whose laugh makes everyone exchange glances? (f) a younger you?
- …Why are we asking you all these questions? We already told you: To have some fun! Other people take these quizzes all the time, and they never complain. Anyway, somebody—several somebodies, actually—suggested you’d be a good person for this. Please respond, because a bunch of us have bets on your answers.