1. “This old gal’s definitely seen better days.”
  2. “If you listen closely, you’ll hear a symphony of underlying creaks, pops, and groans.”
  3. “The pros call this ‘a money pit.’”
  4. “You’re looking at the results of a severe lack of upkeep.”
  5. “The landscaping job alone is overwhelming.”
  6. “Unless you’ve got millions in the bank, any form of routine maintenance is downright unaffordable.”
  7. “The system for temperature regulation is all outta whack. Every area is wildly overheated…”
  8. “…yet occasionally there's an unpredictable chill with no traceable source.”
  9. “People speed up when they walk past. Neighborhood children think they’ve seen a witch.”
  10. “The rate of degradation is cataclysmic.”
  11. “So far I’ve discovered leaky pipes, weak joints, faulty plumbing, and a ruinous amount of sporadic and inexplicable gas seepage.”
  12. “The whole structure is deeply unsound.”
  13. “If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t mind a few bats in the belfry, then you’re in luck!”
  14. “These old bones just weren’t built to last.”
  15. “On the bright side, there’s clearly some underlying character and spunk here. It’s probably the only thing preventing total collapse.”

1-15: Lamenting the physical effects of aging
1-15: Home inspector describing a ramshackle fixer-upper


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