1. Someone may have to identify you by your dental records.

2. $5,000 barely scratches the surface of what it’ll take to handle this problem.

3. Your family won’t recognize you when this is over.

4. Grotesque photos of your mangled face will be taken and then gleefully shown to you.

5. The pain comes in calculated increments over a long period of time.

6. They will literally rearrange parts of your head.

7. “No. We do not offer a payment plan. Cash NOW.”

8. You’re lying on your back and someone whispers in your ear, “We’ve meticulously planned how we’re going to move each one of your teeth.”

9. As you beg for it to be over, you notice you now have a speech impediment that you didn’t used to.

10. My god, the smell.

11. You’re deprived of food and beverage. You can only drink room temperature water to keep yourself going a little while longer.

12. The man working on you has a blinding white smile and a really expensive car.

13. Those photos of your mangled face? You’ll be taunted by them months later when they arrive unexpectedly by email. You will never be allowed to forget the horror of what occurred.

14. You’ll need to budget for a costly retainer for protection in the future.

15. For years, a shadowy figure will routinely check in on you to make sure you are “staying in line.”


Being Tortured by Cartel:  1-15
Getting Invisalign: 1-15


And now a quick joke...

A traffic cop’s dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.