1. Everywhere you look, soulless old demons are worshipping the man in charge.

2. While there is food available, all of it is from Albertsons.

3. Time? What is time?

4. A hot poker up your backside pales in comparison to what the people running this thing have planned for you.

5. You are forced to listen to a choir of harpies shrieking Jimmy Buffet covers.

6. There are no exits, it keeps getting hotter and hotter, and you're sweating through your mandatory issue polo shirt.

7. Desperately, you cling to the memory of what fresh air felt like against your face.

8. You thought you were a good person—how did you wind up here?

9. You lock eyes with another tortured peon and experience a shared moment of total misery.

10. Just when you think you might get a break from the agony, you must sit through an infinitely long PowerPoint presentation extolling the virtues of capitalism.

11. After your third bite of lukewarm Albertsons Grab ‘N’ Go macaroni salad, you know for a fact that God has forsaken you.

12. The guest of honor keeps emitting sulfuric farts. If time existed, you’d swear you catch a whiff of rotten eggs every 15 seconds on the dot.

13. You keep hearing the phrase “permanent vacation” followed by maniacal laughter.

14. In your peripheral vision, you see lurking husks of the damned souls who have been tortured here for countless years. One approaches you. “I thought if I just stayed here long enough and kept my head down, I’d eventually work my way up. But I’m still in this pit,” she hisses. Her sunken, dead eyes drift towards the heavens. Suddenly, she lashes out and scrapes the last of the stale maple frosting from the empty Albertsons donut box with a blood red fingernail. She is your future.

15. One of the soulless old demons suggests that it could be fun to start roasting people.


1-15: Your Boss’s Retirement Party
1-15: Welcome to Hell!

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