1. Wake up at 5 AM to call boss to remind her to wake up

2. 5:05 AM, call boss again to make sure she woke up.

3. Explain to boss that you cannot get her Starbucks today because we are in a global pandemic and Starbucks is closed.

4. Send boss 3 news articles proving that coronavirus is still happening, and you aren’t just “lazy and trying to get out of driving to the office.”

5. Remind boss to charge her phone.

6. Charge your own phone so it is 207% charged at all times. It is important because you need to keep reminding the boss to charge her own phone.

7. Read 80 terrible scripts of romantic comedies about dinosaur robot cloning, all of which can’t get made anytime soon and that Emily Blunt would never sign on for.

8. Try to find Donald Trump’s phone number; boss has requested his number so we can text him to reopen the Starbucks.

9. Explain to boss that you were unsuccessful in texting the President of the United States.

10. Explain to boss that you cannot book her on a private jet to Atlantis right now, because we cannot travel and also it is a lost continent.

11. Remind boss, again, that there is a global pandemic.

12. Explain to boss, again, what a global pandemic is.

13. Explain that yes, Ted Sarandos at Netflix is aware of the pandemic.

14. Explain that yes, he’s also at home today.

15. And yes, so is his assistant.

16. Tell boss you cannot go to her house to help her find the scrunchie she wore to Paul Newman’s Christmas party in 1994 because there is a global pandemic and you cannot go outside.

17. Wear a full hazmat suit as boss has now threatened to fire you if you do not go to her house.

18. Help her find the scrunchie; find the scrunchie; wow, it’s sequins, not what you expected from her '90s years.

19. Clean out her basement.

20. Polish off Cameron Diaz’ People’s Choice Award, why is this in the boss’s basement? Find out if you need to mail it back to Cameron, or should you FedEx it? Is FedEx open?.

21. Tutor the boss’s children in French.

22. Wash her nanny’s car.

23. Do her husband’s taxes.

24. Bring soup to her grandmother’s chiropractor’s uncle, Lil Stevie.

25. Shampoo her son’s parrots’ mohawk.

26. Ask yourself why you are doing this when you’re nearly 30 years old.

27. Remember that you are pursuing a dream of a very fulfilling career in the arts even though big crews on movie sets won’t be able to gather until the year 2027 at this point.

28. Go home to self-isolate because you just went outside.

29. Plug phone back in so it’s charged.

30. Answer bosses call asking you to go get her Starbucks.

31. Remind boss, again, that there is a global pandemic.

32. Explain to her, again, what a global pandemic is.


And now a quick joke...

“The only way out is through.” —Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like.