1. “I’ll just send you a link to my GoFundMe. What’s your email?”
2. “You don’t have a drive-thru?”
3. They are dressed as Sophie’s Choice characters.
4. They ask if there are any odd jobs that need to be done around the house, point out that their piece of shit kids have disowned them, and inquire about the best places in the neighborhood to buy crack.
5. They crush out cigarettes on your porch and offer you a beer.
6. “Why, back in my day, we had to walk 50 miles through the snow just to get gruel and hardtack. Got any medical appliances?”
7. They’re carrying Lennon Sisters trick or treat bags.
8. “We were told there would be a French dip sandwich with au jus and new potatoes. Ever hear of the four basic food groups?”
9. They carry signs reading “Fuck Trump!” and “Stop the drilling!” and they build a campfire on your porch and sing Kumbaya.
10. They point out they are actually Nestle’s employees and this is just their side hustle.
11. “Would you mind terribly running our candy through a blender?”
12. “We are federal agents from the FDA. Just a friendly reminder that handing out homemade uninspected snacks carries a mandatory 20-year prison sentence. Good day.”
13. “Treat, that thou doest not get trick.”
14. “This isn’t a costume. I really am an alcoholic hooker.”
15. Zombie: “This isn’t a costume. I work at Amazon fulfillment. Do you think for one goddamn moment I’m not fucking dead inside?”
16. “This isn’t a costume. I really am a CPA. Tax time is right around the corner, you know.”
17. They offer you candy, dressed as Harvey Weinstein.
18. “We’re from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We know you’re probably busy with your Satanic observance, but could you spare a few moments…?”
19. “Don’t believe our competitors. Herbalife is a one-of-a-kind program.”
20. “This isn’t a costume actually. I’m Willie Nelson.”