“The filibuster should be painful, it really should be painful and we've made it more comfortable over the years. … Maybe it has to be more painful.”
—Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV)
1. The “Talking” Filibuster — The filibustering senator would be required to speak during the duration of the filibuster. Once the senator can speak no longer, the filibuster ends.
2. The “Dancing” Filibuster — Like a 24 hour dance-a-thon, the filibustering senator must be dancing the entire time. Unlike a 24 hour dance-a-thon, no money is given to charity at the end.
3. The “Truth or Dare” Filibuster –Any senator voting to sustain a filibuster must complete EITHER a Truth OR a Dare. (Senators may not be dared to stop filibustering BUT it is fair game to ask a senator who they like.)
4. The “Jeans” Filibuster — Same vote total requirements as we currently have, but you aren’t allowed to vote to sustain a filibuster unless you’re wearing jeans.
5. The “Life of Pi” Filibuster — The filibustering senator must survive a trip across the ocean in a small raft with a tiger. Also known as the “Calvin and Hobbes” filibuster.
6. The “Taboo” Filibuster — The Supreme Court creates a list of “no-no words.” One designated senator is given a buzzer. If a filibustering senator says a no-no word, the senator with the buzzer gets to hit the buzzer. They can also hit the buzzer during other times, such as whenever else they want to hit it.
7. The “Calling Your Mom a Bitch” Filibuster — If 41 senators do this at least one time, the vote is delayed for a fortnight, or until their moms make them leave Washington to apologize.
8. The “Question Master” Filibuster — The wisest and/or sneakiest senator in the chamber becomes the “question master.” If this senator asks another Senator a question, they must answer with another question. If someone accidentally answers a question from the question master, the bill passes automatically.
9. The “Bloomin’ Onion” Filibuster — Sponsored by Outback Steakhouse, this reform would require the filibustering senator to eat one (1) Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion every hour to delay the cloture process. If the senator throws up, the bill in question will automatically pass.
10. The “2-for-1 Special” Filibuster — The youngest senator and the oldest senator give their speeches at the same time really loudly and they have to look at each other the whole time and if they laugh at all then the filibuster is over.
11. The “Home Alone” Filibuster — One senator from the opposing party spills a big bag of marbles all over the senate floor. The filibustering senator should probably watch their step.
12. The “Home Alone 2” Filibuster — The filibustering senator is sent to New York.
13. The “Ugly Baby” Filibuster — An objectively ugly baby will be brought to the senate floor. The filibustering senator must give the baby ten (10) legitimate compliments every hour to delay the cloture process.
14. The “Trader Joe’s” Filibuster — Only senators who brought their own bags are permitted to hold the floor.
15. The “Borat” Filibuster — Do the voice.